Claire's Blog

January gymkhana

2012-01-29T06:30:00.000-08:00

Here is a video of one of my events. It's called the Figure 8 Cowhorse. Apparently using 45 seconds of copyrighted music is a no-no. Next time I'll do something else for sound.

When I arrived at the ranch for this month's gymkhana, I decided to sign up first and then get G out of his stall. There was only one family and they were having trouble signing up. It seemed like every kid had a different last name and no one knew which kid was under which name. It was taking forever. Since there wasn't any line, I wandered off while they figured it out. Big mistake! When I came back the line was huge. I decided to get G and groom him while I waited for the line to die down.

Spots at the hitching rails are at a premium and I had to hitch at a rail I don't like. When someone came to hitch up next to me G threw a little tantrum. The other rider moved off, and I felt badly about it. Once I signed up I moved G to the back side of the arena and tacked up in the boonies. I signed up for all six events.

Once I was in the saddle G was a prancing hyped up maniac. He really understood that there was a competition. The ranch was so crowded there was no good place to warm up and burn off the excited energy. The secondary arena was already full and even the pathways around the stalls were crowded. Not only were there horses and riders, there were friends, children big and small, and dogs running around. The preschool sized children always worry me the most. They have no fear and no sense when it comes to hyped up horses.

Gary, Alex, and Caitlin arrived shortly before the first event. Gary went to the announcement stand to find a good camera angle. Alex and Caitlin hung out with me until the allure of the goat pen won out. They were so intrigued that they missed my first event! The P.A. system is just loud enough for the arena area and doesn't carry to the rest of the grounds.

The gymkhana lasted four hours. I was in the arena for less than one minute per event and the time between my runs was very long. The cold wind and Alex's hunger sent the kids back home after just two events. I called them to come back as the second to the last (penultimate is such a better way of saying it) event was being set up. They saw my last two runs and then it was off to Chili's for a warm and delicious lunch.

I learned many things from this months gymkhana. Sign up first no matter what. Plan on tacking up in the boonies. If it's a crowded event have family come for just the second half. Use a different video camera. Layers and snacks!

I took a lesson this week so now I have some pointers on what to practice. It's so much fun that I don't care that I came in last almost every time. Still I'd like to know what I'm doing and be in better control.

simple lead changes

2012-01-13T18:37:00.000-08:00

The wind finally settled down this afternoon. Red Flag warnings expired at 3:00 and for once the wind paid attention. It was still pretty breezy so I decided to stick to the arena.

The January gymkhana is Sunday so I practiced the barrels. Last month we disqualified on the barrel event because we crossed the timing line when we took a turn way too wide. I read somewhere that it is important to be a driver and not just a passenger when riding, and that's what I concentrated on today as we wove around the barrels. In the past I've been afraid of making G turn so tightly he might wipe out. This fear, which is really unfounded, meant I didn't take control and G didn't have direction.

The other thing I worked on today was simple lead changes. We did figure eights at a lope with a trot in the middle and a new lead as we reversed direction on the next loop. This is something I really enjoy working on with Danny and hadn't tried with G. He is getting better and better, and I'm getting more and more confident in his abilities.

I've invited two of my new friends to come to the gymkhana. I hope they come, and I hope I do ok.

Trail 3 days in a row

2012-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

My last three rides on G have been on trail. Becky took me out on Wednesday and showed me a fairly flat loop that included the wash along Sierra Hwy. It was great to get to know someone at G's ranch. G does not stand for "gentleman". He pinned his ears every time he got close to Diamond, Beck's horse. He even bit poor Diamond on the butt. G obviously likes to be in the lead, but that won't work when I don't know where we're going.

On Friday I did the wash portion of the ride on my own. I just rode out and back. It went really well and I'll definitely do it again. It took about 45 minutes and seemed quite long, but when I mapped it it turned out to be barely more than 3 miles. Still, it was a warm day and G was tired and sweaty when we finished.

Yesterday, Sunday, Becky and I went out together again. The wind was gusty and a little nerve wracking in places. This route had a few more hills. G pinned his ears a lot, but I tried to keep him well back from Diamond. At one point the trail goes up pretty steeply, a hairpin turn at the top and then down. Becky warned me about the sharp turn, but too late for me to visualize it. We came right up on Diamond's rear as she slowed to turn. Although G didn't bite, Diamond kicked. Fortunately, G's little leap back didn't tumble us on the slope.

I'm learning a lot on these rides. I'm sorry Diamond has to put up with my inexperience in trail etiquette. It's such a relief to find some trails I can enjoy.

New Year's Day

2012-01-01T12:28:00.000-08:00

Today is New Year's Day and Sunday, so a horsey day. I'm happy to report that Friday's bath hasn't worn off. G is still soft and looks better. I bought him a few things.

G rolling after our ride

Getting up - he looks awkward

Mane and tail conditioner $12
Triple Crown Senior feed 50lb bag $23

The conditioner is as much for G as it is for Danny. When I rode Danny on Saturday his tail was so tangled and caked with mud that I couldn't brush it out.

The feed is just for G. Hopefully it will help him put on some weight. The directions suggest 6 pounds a day divided into two feedings. Well, I decided to start with 3 pounds every time I see him, which will be three times a week. I weighed it with a kitchen scale, but when I gave it to him it seemed like so much. In the end I only gave him 2/3 of what I planned. I want to re-weigh the feed to be sure.

Becky was there today, and we made a date to ride trail on Wednesday. I'm very excited to finally have someone to show me the trails. I've tried a few forays on my own, but none have been satisfactory.

G's first bath

2011-12-30T15:27:00.000-08:00

Well, it wasn't actually G's first bath, but it was his first in several years. It was my actual first horse bath. All in all, it wasn't too big of a deal. Like everything I do that's horse related, I thoroughly researched it on google first.

I read a ton of sites. Most of them agreed on the big picture. Get everything ready first, hose from the bottom, shampoo with a sponge and bucket, rinse thoroughly, scrape with a sweat scraper, and BAM you have a clean horse. That pretty much was it.

The thing is, BAM you have a clean horse is not the same as BAM, you have a dry horse. I walked him, brushed him, walked him, brushed him, for about an hour.

I even cleaned his sheath. It was not such a big deal, and really not gross or anything.

Of course once he was clean and dry I knew he would roll. I decided to turn him out in the arena where at least he would roll in dry sand. He did. I brushed the sand off and put him back in his stall in the end. I wonder what he'll look like on Sunday.

My First Butterfly Gymkhana

2011-12-18T06:28:00.000-08:00

Today is going to be my first attempt at gymkhana and I have some serious butterflies.

I don't know what to expect as far as tacking up and warming up when there's an event. How will Geronimo react to having so many horses and people crowded around. He takes a long time to warm up, and how will I keep him warmed up? Will I suddenly forget how to saddle him when there are so many experienced people around?

I know it's going to be fine. I'll figure it out and people will help me if I need it. Still, it's a butterfly circus in my belly.

Red Queen and modern society

2011-12-14T06:46:00.000-08:00

I think a lot about the Red Queen, my lifestyle, and society as a whole. Why do we keep chasing rather than enjoying? We don't need most of what we have, and we spend so much of our time and energy supporting all that stuff.

The problem is, how do you get off the ride without slamming into a wall or creating casualties. Some of the stuff I work to support is stuff my family either needs or thinks it needs. And getting off the ride sounds good on my laptop, in my comfy chair, in my four bedroom, five bath house. How do you get off, once you've gotten on?

Why do humans strive for more?

Barrels

2011-12-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

New saddle pad in hand, I went to the ranch ready for a miracle. I knew a new pad would only do so much, but still I was excited. At first I couldn't get the fit quite right. The new pad is stiff so it didn't sit right. At first I had it too far back, but with Michelle's help I got it right. It really made a difference in the saddle's fit. Instead of riding on his withers, the saddle was lifted to the correct position.

Whether it was the pad or just his physical and mental improvement, we had the best ride ever. We rode the barrel pattern over and over. At first we just did it at a slow trot, but by the end we were loping between the second and third barrels and loping "home". G seems to enjoy it as much as I do.

It's $5 per event and $30 for the day (which I think is 6 events so no saving) for the gymkhana. I'll do the barrels for sure and maybe a couple other events. Next Thursday I'll go, even though it's not my day, and run through the events with the other riders as a practice. That's when I'll decide which other events to do. I think three or four events would be plenty.

I had so much fun today! I would have ridden longer, but it was getting very dark. The lights in the arena are great, but the tacking area was really dark. I couldn't clean his feet or do much grooming before I put him up for the night. He didn't mind; his hay was waiting for him.

Don't throw stones

2011-12-07T05:00:00.000-08:00

If I complain about your complaining, am I just as bad?

If I'm against your negativity, what then?

Lunch with coworkers always devolves into ranting against students, their parents, and the administration. I want to be social, and part of the team, but can't we be positive? Especially in public?! We are not victims.

I just need to keep changing the subject I guess.

gymkhana redeux

2011-12-05T05:40:00.000-08:00

The rained out gymkhana was rescheduled for yesterday. The weather was perfect, a little cool with no wind. It was fun to see so many different kinds of horses and riders. There were huge draft horses and a Fjord pony along with the usual quarter horses and warm bloods. Very few of the riders had competitive speeds. In fact, in the peewee division some horses were led by parents.

The next one is in two weeks. Apparently the ranch runs them once a month. Since it happens so often and many riders just trot through, there is no pressure to be great. I think I'll try G in the barrels at the next one.

After the event was over and everyone went home, I took G to the arena and rode for a long time. The barrels were still set up, so we rode the pattern. Most of the time we walked and trotted it. A few times we loped back after the last barrel. He seems to have had experience with it, because he knew to go around the barrels with tight turns. I wish he would keep his head up when he lopes, it feels like he's going to somersault! Maybe the new saddle pad will help by getting the saddle off of his withers. His new saddle pad is in Chino now. It should arrive before I ride again on Wednesday. I'm very excited.

He has more energy than before. He looks more alert, too. It will be a month or more before any weight gain will show.

Windy Wednesday

2011-12-01T05:15:00.000-08:00

The weather reports have been threatening historical winds to start yesterday evening and blow for many days. I left school as soon as I could to ride before the wind hit. It was gusty, but not more than the usual Santa Anas we get in the fall. I rode a little before the gusts started making me too nervous. I don't want a branch falling or rubbish blowing to spook G. It was just breezy during the night. I hope it is calm on Friday so I can ride more.

Good news, his teeth were floated in the last few days. Horses' molars wear unevenly so they should be filed every year or so. If their teeth are too uneven, they can't grind up their food enough. Then when the fibrous hay hits their stomach, the nutrients aren't processed. This may be one reason G is so thin even though he gets fed a normal amount. He was wormed a few weeks ago, too. Hopefully he'll start putting on some weight.

Other good news, I ordered a new saddle pad for him. He has high withers and a bit of a sway to his back, so this pad will help get the saddle off his withers. It was cheap to order and shipping was cheap, too. Of course that means a long wait for it to arrive.

Today I need to pay for my December lease. I'm beginning to think I should start a list of the costs of leasing in order to have an idea of what owning will cost.

So far:
lease $150 for Nov.
halter $25
saddle pad $26
reins $20ish
horse cookies $21
grooming tools $0 (gift)
floating teeth $0 (done by ranch)
worming $0 (done by ranch)

jumping in

2011-11-27T06:42:00.000-08:00

My teeth hurt. For many years I wished my teeth were less, shall we say bucky (that was Dr.P's phrase). Then in my late teens to my early 30s I figured I would live with it. I was attractive enough, it was silly vanity to want to do anything about my teeth. Besides, I would look a lot worse with braces, right?

So now in my mid 40s I've decided if I want something I should seriously consider it. Just waiting, rather than deciding means missing opportunity. Or it may mean wishing for something that if I thought about it I'd realize I don't want.

So I decided to do something about my teeth. It wasn't a quick decision. I actually had to wait for months before I could set up the medical savings account. It's very expensive. Now I wonder what was I thinking. It hurts, it's annoying, and it will hurt and be annoying for most of a year. 38 weeks - ok, 36 since I've already done 2. It's almost as long as a pregnancy!

Maybe (ok not maybe) the horse thing is the same. I've been working towards having a horse. I'm having second thoughts about leasing G. The stable is close, but it's so lonely. I want to ride with my friends.

Horses for Thanksgiving week

2011-11-27T06:38:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy week, busy with good things mostly. I rode G on Wednesday morning. It was a furlough day. Menchi got to visit the horses. He was very excited. When I rode in the arena his barked and whined, but it wouldn't have been safe to let him off leash. He would have gotten kicked because he doesn't know how to behave around horses. I rode G enough to work up a sweat. It was an hour with lots of trotting and some loping. The arena was still heavy from the rain, so it was a real workout.

Michelle said she was going to worm G that afternoon. I don't know how soon any difference could be seen. She also talked about his teeth and feet, but no firm date on those.

We went to Riverside and had a great Thanksgiving. More on that in another entry.

We came home on Friday and I rode G again until he was sweaty. I also lunged him a little. I noticed his saddle really is sitting on his withers. He has very high withers and is thin, so it isn't surprising. I'm looking at saddle pads that might help. I'm unwilling to spend too much money since he isn't mine and I don't plan on keeping my lease forever.

Saturday I had my lesson on Danny. After riding G, I have a lot more confidence and respect for Danny. It was a good lesson. Lots of loping with lead changes. Afterwards we went on a trail ride. It was great weather, but a bit windy. That meant 2 hours on Danny :-) Then he was going to do another lesson. He was probably tired after that! I went hiking with Gary and Menchi at Placerita after the trail ride. I was sure tired.

Today I go back to ride G. I'm going to pay more attention to his saddle placement. Maybe part of his lowering his head while loping is the saddle hurting his back.

gymkhana with rain

2011-11-20T12:48:00.000-08:00

There was gymkhana scheduled for today at G's ranch. Gary and I went to check it out, and I was hoping to meet more people. Unfortunately it was raining.

The event started with pole bending. Several kids in the peewee division were led. A few rode it solo. Then the adults and the rain started. Several horses misbehaved. One in particular bucked and reared, refusing to do the course. Out of the arena the horse continued to act up. It seemed a bit dangerous to me. One girl was injured either once she was on her horse, or I think when she was mounting. He was rearing quite a bit. She thinks her ankle is broken. I guess I'll hear about it later.

The gymkhana was called off after all of the pole bending was over. They'll reschedule for the week after Thanksgiving.

I felt badly that I didn't spend any time with G. I gave him some treats and pet him, but I didn't take him out of his stall at all. Maybe in a few months I could try him in a gymkhana event. It isn't terribly competitive. Some people rode it fast, but many just were going through the course at a trot.

Good lesson

2011-11-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

I had a lesson on G today. It was more about me finding out what I should expect of him that teaching me new skills. I feel much more positive about the whole thing now. I rode him at a lope quite a bit. Kept him at a trot longer too. Michelle was very encouraging about his progress physically. I also lunged him a bit. He did pretty well for Michelle, so I know how to do it now, and know he can do it.

All in all it was a very good $35 spent.

I'm very hopeful that I'll meet someone to trail ride with at the gymkhana on Sunday.

Tomorrow I ride Danny at Don E Brooks.

Short ride

2011-11-17T05:35:00.000-08:00

Wednesday before parent conferences means a lot of classroom time and not a lot of horse time. I groomed him and saddled up for a short ride in the arena. The sun was below the hills, but there was plenty of light. We walked two, turned and walked two more. Then we did some circles, halts, and backing. We trotted one in each direction and a couple times he broke his gait, back to a walk. He picked it up again when I pushed him though.

I have a lesson set up for Friday on him. It isn't that I need the lesson as much as I want to know how much to push him. I don't want to do too much too fast, but I think I'm doing too little.

Michelle is going to email my info to the boarders in hopes of finding a trail partner. If things don't pick up, I think I'll only do one more month there. It's a nice place, but too quiet and the trails are a mystery to me at this point. If I owned and I knew the trails, it would be a nice place to board. At this point I think I'd be happier doing two lessons a week at Don E Brooks instead.

A little boring

2011-11-13T17:14:00.000-08:00

So, day whatever. G is just a little boring. Before I give up on him, I'm going to try a few things. First, I put a note on the tack room wall asking for a trail buddy. I'm not going to go off on the trails alone until I've done it with someone more experienced. Next, I think I'm going to contact Michelle about a lesson. She can help me know how much to push G. Also she can teach me to lunge him. I tried a little in the arena and I just annoyed G. I need more direction.

I rode him in the arena and he just didn't seem as willing or as responsive as the last time. Then I rode him around the ranch. He started tripping and lowering his head, kind of limping. I got off and after a few moments he seemed to be walking fine. I just don't know. When I cleaned his feet I picked a very small rock from his "toe", the front of his hoof near the white line. Maybe his feet hurt, maybe not. Maybe I'm just seeing trouble where there is none.

I need to figure it out. "It" being what I want to do with the horsey situation. I'm thinking about leasing Danny during the winter break. The cost is much higher than leasing G. Twice as much plus more vet bills. It would be a full lease though, so I could ride Saturday and Sunday as well as any other day I wanted. The problem is, how many days a week can I ride during school. If I can't ride at least 4 times a week, would I be doing him a disservice?

I've thought about buying him and moving him to the closer stable, but then who would I ride with? I really haven't met enough people there yet.

Day 6 - arena work

2011-11-11T16:31:00.000-08:00

At some point I guess I'll stop titling these posts by day.

Finally, good weather for riding. It's Veteran's Day so no school. I did work for a couple hours on report cards, but the sunshine made me stop. A storm is coming, and I can do report cards in the rain. I have to make hay while the sun is shining!

I need to find someone to ride trail with me. I had hoped Nancy would do it, but turns out she doesn't ride on trails anymore. Her horse is 27 years-old so they stick to the arena. No one else was there today, other than John. We talked about gophers and such.

I rode G in the arena for almost 45 minutes. It's kind of boring, but he needs to build up muscles before we can do fun things. He really responds to my legs and shifts in my body weight. He also responds to some voice commands, though not perfectly by any means. Certainly if I shift my body and look in one direction, that's the way he turns. One of my friends said something about steering with your bellybutton. It seems to work with him. We walked, circled, did figure eights, backed, and such. I trotted him a little and did transitions from trot walk, mostly with voice and body shifts rather than reigning. I didn't lope this time. All the reading I've done says if a horse hasn't been ridden in a long time to build up slowly.

After I rode him, I turned him out in the arena to roll. He is so funny to watch. He rolls, gets up, shakes, and sneezes. Then he lays down and does it all again on his other side. I think he's really starting to like me.

I wish I could give him a bath, but it's too cold. I always smell much more horsey when I come home from riding him than after riding Danny. I really think being in a large pen with other horses and room to wander is much better than being in a stall all alone.

Day 5 - too windy again

2011-11-09T20:25:00.000-08:00

So, weather defeats me again. Another howling Santa Ana means I didn't ride G today. I didn't have time anyway since report cards are due tomorrow.

As soon as my "contractual hours" were over at 3:15 I rushed over to the ranch. I took G out and groomed him. Then I turned him out in the arena. He rolled a few times and shook like a big goofy dog. So much for my grooming. Now he's all sandy. Other than rolling, he just kind of stood around. Most horses I've seen kick up their heels and run about when turned out. (rhyme!) I went into the arena with him and walked around. He followed me, but really that's not much exercise. On the other hand, it's more exercise than he would have had if I didn't go.

I went back to school and worked on report cards after I put G away.

Now I'm home and looking online at how to lunge a horse. (report cards are not done) If I lunge him, he'll get some good exercise on days I can't ride. I'm thinking I might ask Michelle for a lunging lesson. Or maybe one of my riding buddies would come over and help me out.

More and more I want to spend this much time with Danny. G is ok, and he needs me (or someone), but Danny is much more the horse I want. My fantasy at this point is to buy Danny and move him to this nearby ranch. I wonder how he'd do in a stall rather than a pasture. When I say pasture, I don't mean a grassy pasture. It's a large pen with many horses - no grass, only dirt.

Day 4 - it's my birthday

2011-11-07T05:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my 47th birthday. The family came out from Riverside, so it was busy weekend. On Saturday I had my lesson on Danny at Don E Brooks. Afterwards I went on a trail ride with Gayle, Autumn, Rene, and the twins, Charlotte and Ramona. It was fun, and the girls got to do a little trotting. On the way home we stopped to see G. It wasn't my day to ride him, so they just looked at him and I gave him cookies.

Sunday we had a big brunch, without the traditional champagne. We had too much to do, so post champagne sleepiness was not on the menu. After eating too much, I had to go run 1.2 miles at the marathon with some of my students. Blahh, I was glad I kept my breakfast down. It was a close thing!

When I got home the family went with me to see G again. Elsa didn't see him the day before, and Caitlin had never seen him either. After they left, I got down to business.

I took G into the arena and we walked several laps in each direction. Then we trotted, and then I finally loped him. His lope is kind of rough. I hope it smooths out as he gains muscle tone. We loped a couple laps in each direction, then walked, and then loped a bit again. G doesn't really neck reign too well. He goes off leg pressure. I need to learn to direct him that way, but I also want him to learn to neck reign.

After the arena, I rode him around the outer perimeter of the ranch twice. There are two steep, but short hills that are good for muscle building. He seems pretty nervous when we are out on the "trail". Hopefully he will calm down with experience.

Just as I put him away it started to rain again. The tin roof shelters amplify the sound, making it seem like a bigger storm. By the time I got home, it was hailing. That must have been deafening at the ranch!

Day 3 - giant dog?

2011-11-05T05:52:00.000-07:00

So is G just a giant dog? I wasn't able to get to the ranch before sunset, and what a beautiful sunset! It had rained off and on all day and the clouds were the perfect canvas.

Anyway, with the Riversidians on their way I had no time to ride. Plus it was getting dark and very cold. So I put G's new halter on him and turned him out in the arena. First he just wandered around nose to the ground, sniffing. Then he went to a corner and started rolling. Finally he got up and followed me around. I just walked all around with this huge critter close behind. A couple times I just suddenly stopped to see what he would do. He kind of nosed into me and then just stood there waiting for me to go again. Next time I'll take the long lunging whip in and see if he will actually run around. Obviously I'm not going to whip him. It's just kind of a prop.

Lunge, lounge, longe and many other spellings I've seen. I think it's regional as well as misspellings.

John, the wizened stable hand, says Michelle had G's teeth checked. He needs them floated. She'll have it done next time the guy is there. I say"the guy" because I don't know if he's the vet or what. I wonder if she had his feet looked at. I think he's going to need shoes. $$

I feel like G is bonding with me a little. Of course I've only seen him 5 times over the last 2 weeks, but it's a start. I just shouldn't bond with him too much. He isn't mine, and he isn't the horse I want to own.

Today is my riding lesson at the other ranch. Now Danny is closer to the horse I want to own, but not yet. After my lesson many of the family are going on a trail ride. C & R have never done a real ride on horses, only pony rides. This is the grandma I want to be. The one with animals, especially horses. Aut, Rene, and Gayle are going too. 6 people on the ride, I hope they send a good guide. I better get some tip money.

Day 2 - too windy

2011-11-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

It's day two of my lease with Geronimo. What that really means is that it's Wednesday, Sunday being day one. The Santa Anas have been howling since last evening. We had indoor recess and lunch at school because the wind was so strong. All day I was thinking about G and how much I could ride him in the wind.

When I got to the ranch it was gusting. No one else was around. I took G out of his stall and groomed him. He was calm, so I decided to tack him up. Nancy, a boarder, warned me that the wind might make him spooky. He still was calm so I took him into the arena. We only rode about 20 minutes.

I walked him 2 laps in each direction, the jogged 2 each way. His jog is very slow and very smooth. Kinda boring. We did figure eights, circles, and halts followed by backing. He did well, but it wasn't very satisfying. I stopped while he was still behaving well. I was afraid the wind might cause a problem, and I wanted to stop while I was ahead.

Before I went home I stopped at Fox Feed and spent $25 on a larger halter. He has a big head and the halter he came with is an average size. I bought a green one. It was actually a hard choice. What color goes with a red horse with a white face and a blue eye? Wait! I just realized how patriotic his coloring is!

Day 1 - on my own

2011-10-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day of my lease on G. I also, as usual, had work in my classroom. I decided to eat my meat before the pudding, and I worked first. I was really excited to go to the ranch, but also had serious butterflies.

When I finally got to the ranch, I met more nice people. Funny how many are teachers. They all seemed pleased that someone was going to be giving G attention. I took him out of his stall and spent a long time grooming him. He has "rain rot" which I need to research.

Tacking him up was awkward. His saddle has more straps than I'm used to. His bridle was a little tricky too. I felt pretty pleased with myself when I finally figured it all out on my own. Then we were off.

I took the same route as we took on my test-trail ride. It was fine until we got to the spot he spooked before. Then he started backing and trying to turn back. I didn't realize at first that it was the same spot. I thought he was just testing me, but it was also that he was afraid. I turned him in circles and then tried to go forward. He would start backing and sidestepping. I turned him in circles again. This went on for years, or maybe five minutes. Finally, with some firm kicks I got him past the spot and we rode along ok again.

After a while a truck approached us from behind. It was a narrow road so I rode to the side and stopped. G lunged up a narrow berm of dirt and then stumbled down it. It was pretty terrifying to me since I'm so afraid that a horse I'm riding may fall. We both stayed upright and so then it was just embarrassing. The people in the truck waved as they passed and I waved back. At that point I realized my pants had caught on a barbwire fence and ripped from knee to ankle.

So lessons learned:

Be prepared for trouble if you've had trouble in that spot before
Ride to a wide spot or a driveway where you can get all the way off the road
I am capable of dealing with challenges
G has more energy than I thought

I went home after cooling G and grooming him again. After changing pants Gary and I went to Fox Feed for fly spray and something for rain rot. We went back to the ranch and I rode for a little while in the arena. A quiet end to an eventful first day.

2011-10-29T06:33:00.000-07:00

After two test rides I signed the papers to lease Geronimo. It's month-to-month so as long as I can remain somewhat detached, I can stop or switch to another horse with no penalty.

So here's what I know about him so far. He is a registered paint, approximately 16 hands, and has one blue eye. He is a cribber, which is not curable. Because of that he is very thin. He is also very out of shape. According to the ranch owner (not G's owner) he is ridden only about once a month. A girl at the ranch occasionally turns him out because she feels badly for him.

The first I rode him in the arena and he walked following my commands pretty well. It was very difficult to get him to trot and nearly impossible to get him to maintain a trot. I didn't try to get him to lope. A few days later, yesterday, I rode him on trail with the ranch owner.

He was well behaved on trail, but obviously not in the same shape as the other horses. He spooked and did a little spin when some minis ran up to a fence we passed. I was easily able to get him under control and calmed down. He was a little spooky when a loose dog barked at us from a distance. but this time I was ready and we had no spinning. I was actually glad to see he had the energy to move so quickly. We went over some long low inclines which was hard work for him, but he did it.

Geronimo is easy to groom and he picks up his feet to have them cleaned. He's barefoot right now. His coat is flaky and shedding, but regular grooming will help.

All in all I think I will gain confidence riding on my own 3 days a week. G will gain muscle and become more responsive with regular riding. I'm guessing I'll be ready to "move up" to a better horse in several months. I just hope at that point I'm not too attached to G. I also hope if he's in better shape, they will find someone else to lease him when I move on.

My new horse schedule is ride Geronimo Wednesday and Friday after work, Saturday a lesson at another ranch on Danny, and then Sunday back to Geronimo. G is at a ranch only 8-10 minutes from home. Danny's ranch is 20 minutes away.

What my dog ate and how much I care

2011-10-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

Menchi ate the old hardcover version of Star Surgeon by Alan Nourse. It was originally from an Orange County library. Either Gary as a child never returned it or he bought it from them at a book sale.

How much do I care from 1-10, 10 being care deeply:

Menchi only ate the cover of the hardcover version of Moon Mutiny by Lester Del Rey. This came from Villa Park High School. Again whether it was never returned or bought from the school, I don't know.

How much do I care:

He also took my paperback copy of Eating an Artichoke: A Mother's Perspective on Asperger Syndrome by Echo Spring. He didn't damage it at all.

How much would I have cared if he ate it:

We have learned over the years that old hardcovers are his favorite. All early editions are on a top shelf in the closet where he can't get them. We are a house of books though and he is bound to eat them from time to time.

Gap

2011-06-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't figured it out yet, but there is something about the concept of a gap that I want to say. It is fascinating to me, what might be in a gap. It's like a magical (mythical?) place where anything can reside. monsters, unicorns, IDEAS.

The gap between...

A gap is defined by what it is between, what it is not. The width may be small, but the depth of the gap may contain infinite ideas.

hunter-gatherer

2011-06-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

I was picking boysenberries again today. I started thinking about how easy it was to eat them as fast as I picked them. That got me to thinking of hunter-gatherer mommas picking berries for their families, and then I thought of the book Blueberries for Sal, which isn't prehistoric at all. I imagined myself picking berries with my granddaughters on some prehistoric hillside. I would pass along sage wisdom, which is why I would still be an asset even after menopause meant I wouldn't pass along any more genes, as we leisurely picked and ate the delicious ambrosia left after the birds had had their fill.

Then the irony hit me. These boysenberries are the result of fairly recent crossbreeding done at U.C. Riverside. They had no prehistoric life, and probably have no marketable future since they aren't a very good producer.

It won't write itself

2011-06-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

I still am not quit of the humanities program. I have one paper to write for a class I took an incomplete in. (That sentence sucks - try again) I took an "incomplete" in a class, and have one paper left to write.

After I wrote the first paper for the class, my instructor thanked me for writing a good paper. She complained bitterly about some of the other students' writing abilities and styles. All of my papers received positive feedback and often were top in the class. So why...WHY...The final paper completely overwhelmed me. I was intimidated by the length of the paper, the short time to write it, and the chance I might fail at writing it.

The funny, ironic, thing is that as the due date approached the instructor seemed to be losing her nerve as well. She asked us to turn the papers in early if we could, in order to allow her more time to grade them. She suggested we write shorter papers so she would have less to read. By the end she was practically begging us to write papers less than half as long as the original assignment.

Obviously I should have just written something quickly and turned it in. It's highly unlikely I would have received less than an "A". Still I had already decided to take an "Incomplete" so I didn't consider her change in requirements as the opportunity it was.

Now, instead of being completely finished I'm trying to write this final paper. And by "trying" I mean I'm blogging about it instead of actually writing it. I've got a start. Not a great start, but a start. I've built it up to be so much more than it is. I'm sure no matter what I write I'll at least get a "B". Why not just slap it together, reread and edit, and send it off? Why am I still overwhelmed by it? I did a great job on all the successive papers in the classes that followed hers.

Grump.

bucket list

2011-06-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

"Bucket list" a phrase that means the things one wants to do before they kick the bucket. First of all how can "kick the bucket" be a euphemism for death? It is such an ugly phrase. Euphemisms should sound nicer than the thing they euphemize (not a word, I know). I can't hear the word bucket without immediately connecting it to the memory of throwing up as a child. Whenever I was really sick, mom would put a small bucket next to the bed.

Kick the bucket - kick the can. Kick the can was a great game. Hide and seek crossed with capture the flag. But then can is a slang for toilet. Olly olly oxen free!

I am working on my "pony list". This is what I've decided is my euphemism for bucket list. I always wanted a pony. Of course I always really wanted a 16 hand horse, but pony encompasses the little girl wistfulness better.

reevaluation

2010-12-05T05:35:00.000-08:00

There are about two weeks left of my current class. "The Sacred" is only the second class in my graduate program. I'm really struggling to research and write my final 10 - 15 page paper for the class. I wonder if I can take an Incomplete and finish during the Christmas break.

I'm wondering if I've made the wrong choice or if I'm just stressed over the paper. This graduate degree, which will take over two years, will not even pay for itself in the long run. I want to have a graduate degree, but why? Just so I can say I do? Is it worth it?

I love being on the college campus, and I enjoy the class lectures and discussions. I enjoy the reading, but I don't enjoy how much time it takes away from the many other things I enjoy. I love to write, but not to the exclusion of other more physically active things. I really love the positive feedback I get and even the critiques on my writing. But I feel guilty when I take the time to water the plants or walk the dogs because my paper isn't even close to being done. It's hardly even started, and here I am blogging instead of researching.

first paragraphs

2010-10-01T05:47:00.000-07:00

The BBP (big bad paper) begins, 300 words down, one thousand more to go:

Our course, Overview of the Humanities, is “an introduction to the cluster of academic disciplines usually known as the humanities, to what they do and how they do it.” The course encourages reflection on what it is to be human, how we relate to the world, and what it is to live the good life. By studying historical and contemporary ideas of truth and knowledge we are better equipped to explore and develop our own views. During the first seven meetings of our course we have explored what the humanities are, what evidence there is of humankinds’ first world view, and what some of the first explanations of the world were. We read about and discussed several philosophers and their views of knowledge and truth. Then we began exploring changes in knowledge through the disciplines of medicine and astronomy.
Constantly questioning and critically examining our beliefs and what we think we know, frees us from our assumptions about our world and our place in it. As man’s knowledge of the workings of the world increases, his idea of truth changes. He views himself as more in control of his surroundings and more able to affect change. This perceived power to know and control one’s place in the world is necessary for the good life. The good life comes from understanding ourselves and choosing how we interact with our world. For me, the strength that comes from knowing and valuing who I am as an individual and as a link between the past and the future is the good life.

The "Good life"

2010-09-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

There are many references to the "Good life" in my degree description and syllabus. I'm having a hard time deciding what the good life is. We wrote about happiness. Does being happy mean you're living the good life? Somehow I have to include the good life in my next paper:

"The topic: How what we have done so far in the course can (1) help introduce someone into the Humanities (i.e. in which sense and to which extent), and (2) which consequences for a self-examination of ourselves (in particular for an examination of your worldview and your pursuit of the good life) this partial introduction may have."

English is not the professor's first language. "self-examination of ourselves"

Humanities, hmmm. We've talked about the liberal arts and how that was the course for those pursuing non-technical professions. We've talked about philosophy freeing you from the slavish following of tradition "habits and tyranny of custom" was the phrase. (who do I site if I use that phrase? damn! Russel?) Humanities, liberal arts, and philosophy aren't synonyms so I have to be careful with what I credit to the course overall. Is this freedom what I should somehow connect to my happiness and my pursuit of the good life? That seems obvious, but is it true?

One year

2010-09-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

I dread Saturday. I'm afraid of it. That isn't even slightly rational. Saturday will be a year from when mom died. My culture doesn't have a ritual for that. It would be easier if we did. It seems right to acknowledge and mark the day and yet it feels self-indulgent. I've been fighting back tears for a week.

Saturday is the next meeting of my philosophy class. I should meet with my professor after class to discuss the big, bad paper that is due the following week. I know if I meet with him I'll end up crying. I hate that, but how can I talk about writing and philosophy on the anniversary of mom's death without getting all emotional.

I want to take a few days off from work and school to wallow. I want to rub ashes on my face and wail. But mine is a culture of stoicism. So I will go to work and on Saturday I'll put on my public face, go to class, and try not to cry.

Happiness - 85%

2010-09-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

So, I'm very frustrated. And ok angry too. I'll read my comments again, but I feel like he didn't read my paper through before he started making comments. I think some of his comments are to get me to think more than just demerits, but...but...

Claire F. Rich

Humanities 501

Happiness - Extra Credit

When considering happiness it is important not to be distracted by it’s flashy cousin pleasure. Pleasure is intense, but fleeting. It’s dependent on exterior stimuli. I feel pleasure when horseback riding, kayaking, and dancing. That light giddy feeling

Are pleasure and joy different?

lasts only slightly longer than the activity.

Happiness is a calm satisfaction, a [foundation

“Foundation” of what? In which sense?

] that withstands the chaos of mundane life. It can’t be created by a single pleasurable act. Happiness can only be created over time from stuff [more substantial

“More substantial” in which sense?

] than novel activities. [A sad person doesn’t become a happy person after one lighthearted afternoon

1) Is sadness the opposite of happiness? What about joy instead?

2) Is a “happy person” a person that has attained happiness?

.] Fortunately, happiness can’t be destroyed easily either. Day to day disappointments and setbacks are just dust to be swept from the foundation of happiness. The rubble of painful events may take more time to clear away so that happiness can be exposed again. It is only an extraordinary event or incessant hammering that can crack the foundation that is true happiness

**So, what is happiness? What defines it? Which sort of “calm satisfaction” is it? Is it the calm satisfaction of the mathematician after solving a problem?

I have happiness. [It comes from my family and just as my family wasn’t created as a whole in one Genesis moment, I did not reach this state because of a single event. My happiness comes from being at the center of a spreading ripple of family. My happiness comes from knowing my center is a ripple of my parents’ center and their’s is a ripple of my grandparents’ center. I reach back in time and forward to a future that is unknown and open, yet not empty or frightening

**1) In which sense are all these “sources” of your happiness? Show the relation between what they represent for you and your definition/view of happiness.

**2) Does this mean that happiness “comes from” the exterior? Is it then a question of being “lucky” regarding the conditios in which we live?

My happiness comes from being a woman in a series of women.

The long and painful end of my mother’s life was an incessant hammering at the heart of the [my foundation of happiness

Do you mean by “foundation” that there is something, ome sort of necessary condition, which must be in place for happiness to exist?

]. Years of saying goodbye to her, the center from which I rippled into my own center, tempered my happiness. It was strengthened even as it was buried under spilled food and urine soaked sheets. Caring for her, as she cared for her mother, [reinforced my place as a part of an ever widening circle

Is that “circle” something others can also experience or is it rather your own very unique way of understanding your place in the world? Can you see a bit more about what is behind your seeing yourself as part of that circle?

.] Now, a year later [my happiness is reemerging

So, was it always there then?

Hearing my daughter’s family laugh and giggle over breakfast across the street while I watered in the front yard [brought that feeling of happiness back

So, happiness is a “feeling” then? A sort of emotion? Can a particular experience ring “happiness”? How would you distinguish experiences that bring joy, even extreme joy, and happiness?

] to the surface after my mother was gone. Now that the giggling over breakfast happens thousands of miles away and the family across the street isn’t mine, I am sad, but not less happy. Seeing my younger daughter bake using her grandmother’s recipes reinforces [that feeling of happiness that comes from connection

1) So, can we experience different forms of happiness at a particular moment of our life?

2) How is the “happiness” that “comes from connection” different from other forms of happiness?

.] Hearing my son and the young men and women he has known since childhood deep in philosophical debates as the night stretches toward dawn brings that feeling. Standing with my husband in our yard contemplating the spreading ripples of our life together is that feeling of calm satisfaction that is happiness. [During these passive acts of observing, my happiness is most evident

So, would you say happiness is more contemplation than action?

[Knowing the source of my happiness does not give me a road map to future happiness

Do you follow, at least, those “sources” as a reference? If not, which sort of “guides” do you follow?

]. It isn’t that simple, there is no magic A to B correspondence. [Quitting my job so I can horseback ride and kayak will not increase my happiness

Why not?

.] [I need to stay involved and connected to those who are important to me, and in addition welcome and connect to those who are important to them. I have to embrace small moments as well as huge events. I have to be ready to forgive and ask forgiveness. I have to listen and share. It is time invested in relationships that has repaid me with happiness

. ]

**1)OK, but why is all this important? What exactly does it bring to you and why you think so?

**2)Is the search for happiness different from the search for joy?

I am happy.

8.5/10

procrastinating

2010-09-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I checked Facebook at least three times since I woke up at 5:00. I've also checked gmail, csun mail, and browsed on craigslist. Oh, and moodle (csun site), my work email (even though it's a furlough day), and I browsed the adoptable pets on the animal control page. I did the dishes, washed a load of laundry, and colored my hair. Now it's almost 8:30.

I guess there's no more putting it off, I need to write my next critical report for Professor Franco. I love to write, but the assignment is uninspiring. Basically it's a summary of our last two class meetings with my critical response. Maybe it will be better since he actually gave us directions this time and I have his previous comments.

I'm still waiting to see his comments on my Happiness paper.

Happiness - final

2010-09-09T05:47:00.001-07:00

Happiness - Extra Credit

    When considering happiness it is important not to be distracted by it’s flashy cousin pleasure. Pleasure is intense, but fleeting. It’s dependent on exterior stimuli. I feel pleasure when horseback riding, kayaking, and dancing. That light giddy feeling lasts only slightly longer than the activity.

    Happiness is a calm satisfaction, a foundation that withstands the chaos of mundane life. It can’t be created by a single pleasurable act. Happiness can only be created over time from stuff more substantial than novel activities. A sad person doesn’t become a happy person after one lighthearted afternoon. Fortunately, happiness can’t be destroyed easily either. Day to day disappointments and setbacks are just dust to be swept from the foundation of happiness. The rubble of painful events may take more time to clear away so that happiness can be exposed again. It is only an extraordinary event or incessant hammering that can crack the foundation that is true happiness.

        I have happiness. It comes from my family and just as my family wasn’t created as a whole in one Genesis moment, I did not reach this state because of a single event. My happiness comes from being at the center of a spreading ripple of family. My happiness comes from knowing my center is a ripple of my parents’ center and their’s is a ripple of my grandparents’ center. I reach back in time and forward to a future that is unknown and open, yet not empty or frightening.

    My happiness comes from being a woman in a series of women.

    The long and painful end of my mother’s life was an incessant hammering at the heart of the my foundation of happiness. Years of saying goodbye to her, the center from which I rippled into my own center, tempered my happiness. It was strengthened even as it was buried under spilled food and urine soaked sheets. Caring for her, as she cared for her mother, reinforced my place as a part of an ever widening circle. Now, a year later my happiness is reemerging.

    Hearing my daughter’s family laugh and giggle over breakfast across the street while I watered in the front yard brought that feeling of happiness back to the surface after my mother was gone. Now that the giggling over breakfast happens thousands of miles away and the family across the street isn’t mine, I am sad, but not less happy. Seeing my younger daughter bake using her grandmother’s recipes reinforces that feeling of happiness that comes from connection. Hearing my son and the young men and women he has known since childhood deep in philosophical debates as the night stretches toward dawn brings that feeling. Standing with my husband in our yard contemplating the spreading ripples of our life together is that feeling of calm satisfaction that is happiness. During these passive acts of observing, my happiness is most evident.

    Knowing the source of my happiness does not give me a road map to future happiness. It isn’t that simple, there is no magic A to B correspondence. Quitting my job so I can horseback ride and kayak will not increase my happiness. I need to stay involved and connected to those who are important to me, and in addition welcome and connect to those who are important to them. I have to embrace small moments as well as huge events. I have to be ready to forgive and ask forgiveness. I have to listen and share. It is time invested in relationships that has repaid me with happiness. I am happy.

happiness as extra credit

2010-09-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

So the extra credit assignment is to write 2 pages on what makes me happy and what should I do about it.

Now I have to figure out what it is to be happy. Is happy an active or passive state? I'm happy when I'm horseback riding. I'm happy when I'm dancing. I'm happy when I'm kayaking. This active happiness isn't what I consider "true happiness" though. It's too fleeting. It's an action, not a state of being.

I'm happy when I can see/hear evidence of my family spreading and connecting to the world and each other. I think I equate happiness with satisfaction. A calmness that underlies all the chaos that erupts in day to day life. My idea of happiness is pretty passive because it has to be underneath the activity like a foundation.

Hearing my family across the street giggle and talk over breakfast while I watered in the front yard was that feeling. Hearing Alex and his friends talk all night is that feeling. Seeing Caitlin bake is that feeling. Falling asleep in the living room while Gayle talks about her upcoming travels and driving in the car with Gary are that feeling. All pretty passive acts. But that feeling, is it happiness? Is it evidence of happiness, but not the actual thing. Now that the family across the street isn't mine and the giggling over breakfast is many states away there is a sadness, but it does not replace the happiness. It's just another feeling resting atop the foundation of peaceful happiness.

What to do about it...

That goes back to that active vs passive thing. What I need to do about it is stay connected. More on that later.

crisis vs the mundane

2010-08-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

I have always thought it was easier to deal with a crisis than to succeed with the mundane. I have had crises in my life and they have been painful and horrible as defined by the word crisis, but they have had obvious "solutions" or at least desired ends which suggest an obvious direction. A crisis typically has a beginning and an end. The mundane just is...and is...and is. It is hard to be successful at the mundane because success is only slightly better than nothing and nothing is only slightly better than failure when you are dealing with the mundane.

I've always been irritated by people referring to mundane acts as heroic, but perhaps I should rethink that. (I won't though). Some people call the parent who cares for their child and makes the typical, expected sacrifices for their child a hero. The dad who goes to work every day, the mom who gives up manicures for little league fees...are they truly "heroes"? They are succeeding at the mundane, but is that heroic?

What about the guy who pulls the child from a burning building, risking his own life? Is he a hero? He succeeded in a crisis. What if he is a deadbeat dad that used to beat his wife? He succeeded in a crisis, but not the mundane. A crisis is easier. It doesn't take stamina. Or does it?

Does a crisis have to have a staccato beat? Was the cold war a crisis? It certainly lasted a long time. Is cancer a crisis? It can be sudden and brief, but also can be monotonous. Death is certainly a crisis for the subject and yet it too can be long and tedious. Of course I don't know how tedious it is for the subject, but from the outside...pain, exhaustion, and tedium.

Epic...depth or breadth? Sprint or marathon? Hero or regular Jo (or Joe)?

When I Think of Mom

2010-07-02T05:14:00.000-07:00

That title reminds me of a song from "The King and I" that is totally unrelated.

I think of mom the most when I take a shower. This might seem strange, but I showered her for a long time. At first it was just as a supervisor, but the last year or so I did most or all of the work. Then I massaged on body lotion and dressed her. It was such a physical ritual that it is etched in my brain and comes to me every time I wash my own body.

I think about her skin. So damaged by the sun, her arms and hands were like tissue paper. Her torso though had smooth lovely skin. I felt like it was so unfair that the world only saw the spotted dry wrinkly parts. Her hands and feet were so gnarled with arthritis, but she had a lovely waist and hips.

So much of what I did with her the last few years was physical care taking. I'm so glad I was able to be there for her and to take care of her, but I wish other memories came as easily.

I guess my memories are like her body. It's easy to see the gnarled bruised damaged parts. The beautiful parts take work to remember.

IT frustration!

2010-06-21T12:16:00.001-07:00

I got a letter from CSUN. First I was excited - an acceptance letter?! Then I was nervous - so thin, did they really reject me?

Neither, it was a letter telling me that all future communications would be online. They gave me a user name and instead of giving me a password they said, "Please use existing password"

Hmm, I have that written down somewhere. It's been eons since I used the CSUN email. So I find my password and log-in to their "portal". So far so good, but the password doesn't work for the email. And it's Saturday. The automatic IT service can't help me. I have to call on Monday. So I call, the guy I talk to gives me obvious instructions - things I had already tried, but I said thank you and hung up. When it didn't work I called back.

The girl I talked to at least asked for my I.D. number and treated me like an individual. Unfortunately something didn't look right on her end so she put me on hold. When she finally got back to me she said the person she needed was busy and could I call back in 15 minutes.

Well, my 15 minutes are up. I'm going to call back and try TRY not to be frustrated or grumpy. Who knows, maybe there is some important email waiting for me. Maybe there is time sensitive stuff needing my attention. OK, probably there is just a "thank you for your application" note.

2010-06-09T04:06:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany the last time I was at LACMA. Pretty crazy considering I have a bachelors degree in art. But here goes:

You have to know how to read and the language a book is written in for it to have any meaning for you. It isn't cheating to learn the language or to have the book translated.

the rough draft of the rough draft - aka outline?

2010-05-31T05:15:00.000-07:00

a one-page statement of purpose describing and explaining the applicant’s interest in the CSUN M.A. in Humanities program and how enrollment in the program will contribute to the applicant’s personal and/or professional growth and success.

and that is the prompt

The courses being offered excite me, not a giddy excitement. Excite - wake up - prime my intellectual pump. They address ideas that are at the center of my being.

What is sacred?
What defines me?
What is my place (where am I - where am I going - who has gone there before?)
How are we connected?

That's the personal growth.

I don't know what professional growth will be addressed. Having more depth of knowledge never hurts when teaching. I'm not looking for another job and the $500 stipend for having a masters degree is meaningless when you divide it between paychecks and subtract taxes.

Argh. I've got work to do. I'll roll it around a little more - like a dung beetle? - like Sisyphus?

indecision?

2010-05-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

I can't even decide if it's indecision - I guess that clinches it.

Life seems to finally be settled. I'm no longer caring for my mom and the chaos of caring for and then losing her has subsided. Don't get me wrong, there is still a room and file cabinet full of stuff to deal with. She lived with us for four years and it was exhausting mentally and emotionally for all of us. Have I really recovered?

I am finishing my first year in 4th grade and am reasonably sure I'll be in the same grade, school, and classroom next year. I cross my fingers that I don't get a split 3/4 class.

Why do I want to stir the pot by going back to school in the fall? Maybe I should take the next year to breathe and smooth down those loose ends I've been trying to get under control.

There are several arguments against going back to school in the fall, if there weren't I'd be writing my personal statement instead of blogging. First, the program I'm interested in is a cohort program. If I start, I'm committing (committing - mm - tt - you have to commit to double letters) to two years of classes - no summer off. Next, (transition word to help my readers) this fall will only be the second start for the program. They are only half-way through the first cohort. Some of the classes haven't even been taught for the first time. The faculty member that spoke at our information meeting hasn't taught her class yet. How can the success of the program be judged at this point? Finally, (transition again - and it gives the reader light at the end of the ramble) am I really sure this is the area of study I want? Oh - sorry reader - and am I really sure I want/need to go back to school? Oh hell! So, so sorry reader - there is always the money, too.

There are many pros for going back. Of course I want to go back to school. I love school. I want a graduate degree of my very own to have and to hold. When I look at the courses being offered in this program I get excited. I'm not getting any younger. My educational clock is ticking. I can go back now - mom's gone, I have my new grade level under control, my kids are grown...

I think I'm leaning towards waiting. I need to apply soon if I'm going to. I don't have to decide - I could apply and if accepted not go. Or go. I wonder if they would defer my enrollment. I think I'll ask.

I keep thinking about the fact that the program is so new. In some ways it seems exciting, a pioneer (okay, that's hyperbole). I'm a little skeptical though. They mentioned a few changes they were making as the first cohort moved through the process. Nothing huge, but still it concerns me.

Phone message

2010-02-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

It's been 4 1/2 months. I guess it's time (ok past time) to change the phone message. Sometimes I feel like I'm erasing mom's existence. I want to shout like a Seussian Who, "She was here! She was here!"

Sorting and Categorizing

2010-01-02T06:25:00.000-08:00

Mom's room taunts me.

I'm working on a new strategy. The things that I know I'm keeping like photographs are just going in boxes and being stacked to the side. Whenever I look at them I get sucked in and don't get anywhere. I came across a family tree and history written by my paternal great-grandmother in 1920. That sucked me in and then got me working on a family tree website. Cool stuff, but it doesn't get her room cleared out.

There is a growing pile of yard sale items. Things I don't want, but somebody might. It's more than I'm willing to just give to Goodwill. It won't be yard sale weather for several months. I'll have time to put together plenty for that. Appliance Graveyard look out!

Then there are the things I'll try to unload on Ebay. This includes the porcelain eagle collection from the Crystal Cathedral. Mom loved them and I can't stand them. Their box is taking up a lot of space.

Yesterday I got out all the Christmas boxes that were temporarily in there. I also culled her and our Christmas ornaments. That helped.

Someday it will be done.

grad school?

2009-12-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

Before mom got really bad off, I was in the graduate anthropology program at CSUN. I finally dropped out because I couldn't handle the workload, stress, etc. while working full time, and caring for mom. I remember telling my advisor I wouldn't be able to come back until after mom died. I was a sobbing mess - poor lady having to deal with me.

Now I'm thinking about going back to school, but switching programs. I love anthro, but I'm more of a dabbler/amateur/armchair anthro-wannabe. It is a road not traveled and it's not very practical to double back to that fork. I was having to take undergrad classes to be prepared for my grad classes.

I think the graduate program in Educational Psychology and Counseling with emphasis in development, learning, and instruction makes a lot more sense. Plus, I would actually use it every day.

I was at first just thinking about taking a class or two in psychology to help me deal with troubled students. Then as I looked at the program I thought it would be a good fit. I obviously have background and experience that will help me.

I think I'm officially on leave from CSUN and may be able to return and change programs without reapplying. The application deadline is in February, so I have time to figure it out.

I'm excited at the thought, but then I wonder am I crazy to take on something new. Maybe I need to relax for awhile. Well, if I do it it wouldn't start until the fall - almost a year from now.

interior decorating and crossroads

2009-11-08T13:03:00.000-08:00

Today was the Santa Clarita Marathon. It made me sad not be in it, but also happy to know it's there when I'm ready. As far as being ready - I'm not. I'm not even ready to start getting ready.

Yesterday I walked the dogs about three miles and today about four. It was great to get out and just walk. I'd like to do a one mile walk before school, but so far I haven't. I'm still getting used to not being tied to the house.

I've decided I should try visualizing what I want - nothing crazy, really. For example, rather than thinking about what I want to do with our front living room - a process, I should think of how I want it to look when it's done. This may seem like the normal way to do it, but I've always thought of the process rather than the final product.

I want to try it with my future too. If I know what I want-what it will look like, then I can map how to get there. I mean stream of consciousness has its place of course, but in life you only get so many do overs and rewrites. I feel like I'm at a crossroad. I can keep going straight, but if I do I want it to be my choice not by default.

line, circle, spring

2009-10-03T05:37:00.000-07:00

When I was in elementary school I learned about timelines. They are great for visualizing when something happened compared to other events. Time marches forward leaving events neatly along that straight line.

In one of my first anthropology courses I learned some societies think of time as a circle. How interesting. I couldn't see it. Time obviously is a one-way street. The past is getting farther and farther away as we move into the present always striding towards the future.

Funny thing about walking off into the unknown, you often pass a tree that looks oddly familiar. After awhile you notice you're following footprints that look a lot like your own. Finally, as I have now, you realize you're going in circles.

I've decided that the line and circle analogies should be melded into a coil, like a spring. Yes time circles. There is a cycle, a pattern that repeats. But there is also forward movement. Each circle winds atop the last. Sometimes the springlike coil of time is stretched and the turns seem farther apart. Sometimes each coil is pressed tight to the next and time seems to cycle while standing still. In a coil two places along the line can be far apart and yet lay right next to each other. Every Thanksgiving lies atop the last with a year coiling around between them. Each birth touches previous births, each first day of school, each first love, each marriage, each life, each death, coils of time bring them close together even when they are far apart.

In the last few years I've noticed that time isn't straight. I feel like a traveler that realizes the world isn't flat. I guess I am a traveler coiling my way through time.

personal vs private

2009-09-27T05:34:00.000-07:00

It is always so tempting to whine when blogging. To pour out all the angst, the "poor me"s, and "why me"s. To vent and to wallow.

I do that a lot. Usually I erase it all rather than publish. Those whiny laments aren't for mass or even minor consumption. I certainly don't need coworkers or parents of students attending my pity parties.

I try to keep private thoughts offline and personal thoughts out of the public arena. But then why blog at all? Why keep a journal? I write therefor I am? If a blogger blogs and no one reads it does it really confirm the blogger's existence?

I guess I just need to vent and wallow from time to time. I am therefor I am. Whether anyone reads it or not. So to those of you that didn't get invited to the party, don't feel slighted. You're welcome to attend. Just don't expect it to be...anything.

Oh, and if a blogger doesn't blog it still exists. It's just too soon, or too late, or too big, or too small, or too painful, or too private, or too personal.

Going down with the ship

2009-09-11T06:35:00.001-07:00

I feel like the captain going down with the ship. I can't stop it. Good thing I can swim.

Yesterday Mom told me she was scared. I didn't know how to respond except to say I was scared too. I called her minister. I should have been in touch with him more. I took her to church until it was too confusing and hard for her. Then I dropped the ball. I'm an atheist, but she isn't. Maybe his visit will be comforting.

I'm taking the day off today because going to work after her "scared" comment was torture yesterday. She is unintelligible most of the time. Those words were so clear.

commuting to work

2009-08-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Every morning as I walk to work I pass a white standard poodle of undetermined sex. It has a stereotypical cut and could easily fit in a Disney cartoon. Every day it barks at me and I'm surprised by its deep real dog voice. I always expect a cartoon yip.

A few houses past Monsieur Woof I start to hear the squawk of a large bird. I imagine it's a parrot doing alarm clock duty. I always think of Dee and Jim when I hear it.

I play a game of "read the headline" on my way to work. I read the newspapers lying on the driveways. The Signal has never been a journalistic masterpiece, but it is home. I can only read half of each headline because the papers are folded. The "rules" say I can't flip a paper over to see the rest of the headline so I try to imagine the other half. Yesterday I read Michael Jackson died from a drug overdose. Wow, that's news.

Just before the final turn I pass the house with flamingos. There is also a frog that quietly sits hoping for a kiss. This is just before the house with three Astro vans of varying vintage. Why?

On my way home from work I get a different perspective on the same route. There is a house that is always decorated to the extreme for the holidays. Now in August, month of nothing, the house is pretty plain. Today though the garage door was open and I could see Rudolph and his team flying in the corner champing at the bit for the day after Thanksgiving when they would once again headline.

As I walk passed Crazy Lady's house I cross my fingers that she is inside and not waiting to waylay any passing neighbor. I toy with feeling guilty for avoiding her and calling her Crazy Lady. Then I think of all the encounters I've had with her and cross my toes as well.

My own dogs bark as I approach my driveway. I stride to the door and sigh with relief that I'm finally done for another day.

Four Hours of Errands

2009-07-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

Today I had to run errands with my mom. She is quite far along in the miserable journey of Alzheimer's. Although she can still walk a little, we used the wheel chair.

On the drive to the dentist's office she became fearful and asked that I stay with her in case they tried to...

I couldn't understand what she was afraid of. Probably she just knew she didn't know what was going on. She really can't put sentences together very often anymore. Understanding what she is trying to say is the gestalt of knowing her, her history, and her body language. Of course sometimes she is just talking and isn't trying to get across anything.

The dentist was uneventful. I stayed in the room with her. Dr. Poitras has been our dentist for 20 years. His staff is wonderful and they "get it" when it comes to elderly patients with dementia.

Our next stop was the Social Security Administration. Mom needs a new card. Believe it or not, my dog ate her old one. We've done fine without replacing it for years, but now the attorney helping us with estate planning wants a copy.

The handicap parking at the office was in the shade of a huge old Oak tree. Hurray! It was about 101 degrees at this point. I was surprised how many people were in the S.S. office. Fortunately we didn't have to wait too long. The young woman who helped us was very nice. The only hitch was mom had to sign the form. She can barely make a mark in the right place, but that's all they need. Apparently it doesn't matter that she has no idea what she's signing. I explained it, but she didn't really understand.

Time for lunch! I decided to stop at Pizza Hut. Mom likes pizza and it's finger food so she can handle it. When we got inside there was no one at the counter. A big set of keys was sitting on the register and I could hear someone puttering around in the kitchen. I waited patiently expecting someone to come out soon since a chime announced our entry. After several minutes I shouted, "Hello!" There was no response, so we left. I plan on writing to the manager.

We ended up in a coffee/sandwich shop in the same parking lot. I had a fantastic bowl of oatmeal with pecans and fruit. Mom had a ham and cheese sandwich. The waitress was great and I was glad to have discovered it. I plan on writing a very different letter to their manager.

Now for our final stop, the DMV. Mom's handicap placard needed to be renewed. Again, the people were wonderful. We were helped right away and the workers were understanding. Mom had to sign again, but this time I gave her a roller ball pen instead of a regular ball point. It made it easier. Her mark looks nothing like a signature and it looks different every time, but as long as they have something in the signature box they're happy.

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig.

Reading on vacation

2009-07-11T16:13:00.000-07:00

I've been on vacation for the last week. We went to Newport Beach, which has been a tradition for almost 20 years. I did a lot of reading.

Twilight - better than the movie, good beach reading, but not great

New Moon - the sequel to Twilight, whiny, self-indulgent, wallowing, adequate beach reading, now I have to decide if I'll read the third one.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog - intelligent, wallowing - but it gets better - not your typical beach read (intelligent), I recommend it - maybe I just was hypersensitive to wallowing after New Moon

The Tao of Pooh - nice - I recommend it - I didn't get to read all of it, it was being passed around

Altered Carbon - SciFi, good beach reading, very Blade Runneresque - if you liked Blade Runner, I recommend it, I haven't finished it yet

To Do List ethics

2009-06-22T06:29:00.000-07:00

I am facing the same old ethical question again.

Can I add something to the TO DO LIST after I've done it. Then I get to check it off immediately, which is very satisfying. On the other hand it means the original list doesn't actually get any shorter.

I think maybe I need a DONE LIST.

To Do List

2009-06-15T06:02:00.000-07:00

Every time I have a break from work I think of all the things I need to accomplish and how quickly the break can slip away. So here is my preliminary summer To Do List. I think it might be easier to break it into three categories: work, home, and fun.

Work

finish end of year paperwork DONE
pack classroom for move Done
unpack classroom after move almost done
review 4th grade standards
review 4th grade curriculum (seems like it should be the same as above - silly!)
long range plan

Home

clean out refrigerator Done
clean/organize laundry room
hang pictures in bedroom (that's leftover from last summer!)
get mom's respite visit finalized So done it's over
get turtles into new tank Done
clean garage
clean out mom's storage unit
clean out/organize mom's file cabinet
find her marriage license Done
clean out/organize our file cabinet

Fun

swim - on going
gym - on going
beach done - might do again while brother's visiting
movies done - Harry Potter
zoo Too F-ing hot - what was I thinking!
hike see above
run see above
garden more like landscaping - little by little - see above
sit and do nothing - ongoing
finish Uncle Tom's Cabin - DONE!
museum of nat. hist. Done

Curse of the Black Spot (or heart shaped post-it)

2009-06-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

There are many changes in my school district due to the economy. Class sizes will be bigger next year so we are losing positions. Enough veteran teachers took the "golden handshake" that no one was laid off. Thank you for retiring all of you!

They didn't necessarily leave the school site or grade level that needed to lose classes though. Our site had to move two teachers to other sites. Now our site is shifting teachers to different grade levels. Third grade, my grade, is going to bigger classes, so we need fewer of them.

Yesterday during an assembly I was passed a small note, "Claire, can you come and see me for a minute, Roni." I immediately thought of Treasure Island and the curse of the black spot. Sure enough, I will not be a third grade teacher next year. I'm "graduating" to fourth.

I've thought about teaching the older kids. I'm really not into "cute" as much as my fellow primary teachers. On the other hand I'm not thrilled at the chance of having some of my more difficult students for a second year.

I'm not just changing grades, I'm also moving to a new classroom. A room in a real building. My entire teaching career has been in portables. My new room has a door to the computer lab and there is an adult restroom in the building too. These all are good things. On the other hand, instead of 20 or the new 24 students in third grade, I will have 30 or more.

Well, I'm not going to waste too much thought on this now. There are 4 school days left. I'll pack up my room and move next week.

2009-04-18T06:43:00.001-07:00

On Monday of my break we had a skid steer delivered. It's like a small bulldozer. It took a while to get good at digging and leveling, but I did pretty well. It was a little scary because it was easy to tip, but we never rolled it over.

Autumn and the girls came on Wednesday. Elsa is working on giving up her morning nap, so she was fragile. Charlotte and Ramona loved the Horse Tales videos I bought for them. I had never seen them before, but when they turned up on the sale shelf at Von's I thought what the heck. They are awful! But the girls were thrilled.

We girls, all six of us, went to the mall. While Autumn and I hung out with the little girls, Caitlin shopped for a new swimsuit. She found a really cute one and it didn't break the bank.

Gayle and Rene came on Saturday. We took Alex to Mom Can Cook, a local Thai place, for his 20th birthday. It's a little place so our group of 10 filled the center. The food and service were great as usual.

Gayle cooked Easter brunch. Yum, yum. Monkey bread and egg/hash brown pie.

After brunch we all (except my mom) went to the Gentle Barn. It is a rescue for farm animals. We pet horses, cows, and pigs. There were chickens and lamas, an emu, goats, and even a regular old farm dog. It was great fun. After that we went to the Big Oaks Lodge for lunch and a beer.

My mom was getting over being sick so she missed out on most activities. We hired Comfort Keepers to stay with her. They get double on Easter! Since mom was sick all week my ideal break didn't quite happen. I was hoping she would go to daycare so I could have time off from taking care of her. Oh well, she's better now and I did have a wonderful time, especially on the weekend.

Spring Break!

2009-04-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

Hurray!!

Spring break is here. I have many plans and some down time.

I've already finished a book. It was a sci-fi romance. I like sci-fi, but I think I was in a mood for more romance and less quantum physics. I'm still slogging through Uncle Tom's Cabin. Not because I'm enjoying it so much as I'm unwilling to let Beecher Stowe defeat me with her mire.

Today we are having a small bulldozer delivered. The plan is to level the backyard. Right now it slopes toward the house. We also want to dig some footings for the patios. I so desperately want a yard I can enjoy. With the dirt wasteland we have now the dogs are always dirty and so our carpet is always dirty. Even the heroic roomba can't keep up.

Yesterday I visited an assisted living facility. I'm trying to decide whether it's better to have mom at home with caregivers or at a facility when we go on vacation this summer. It's a lovely facility, but I'm not sure she would get enough supervision at night. She would have a little studio apartment with a door that is closed and locked. She's not locked in, other residents are locked out. Caregivers have pass keys of course. I just don't know how they deal with checking on residents at night. Jon, the man who showed me around, assured me they would assess her needs and monitor her, but I'm not sure. It would be cheaper than in home care. Also in home care seems harder to set up with mom going to daycare and being sure someone is at the house when she gets home. Having multiple strangers stay at the house to care for her makes me nervous. Of course if we go with a facility we would have to kennel the dogs or find a house/pet sitter.

Tuesday I get my hair cut again - yeah

Wednesday mom has an eye appointment. I dread it. I like the eye doctor, but the staff has no idea how to deal with dementia.

Mom's neurologist took her off of Aricept. She says at this point in the disease it isn't doing anything. That made me sad. Another step in this long goodbye.

Wednesday is also the day Autumn and the girls are coming. I'm looking forward to playing around, dying eggs, and generally hanging out.

Friday I see an elder law attorney. I want to make sure I'm dealing with finances in a proper way. Also I want to protect mom's assets as much as legally possible if someday (ok, when someday) we have to place her in a facility.

Saturday Gayle and Rene are coming. It's Alex's big 20th birthday! I'm not sure what we're doing for dinner. He's currently a vegetarian. He says anywhere is fine, but I want to take him somewhere that has good choices for him. I better get a cake ordered today. It will be hard to beat the Star Wars cake Gary got for him last year.

Sunday we will go to The Gentle Barn. It is a rescue organization for farm animals. They are having an Easter event.

Somewhere in the week I need to fit in a few classroom hours, too.

New Pet

2009-03-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

We have a new pet. Gary and I have been watching it as it explores the house. We chuckle over how cute it is. And grumble over how loud it is. So far it still only has the name it came with, Roomba.

Eventually it will get a new name.

2009-03-20T05:39:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been beautiful. Warm and sunny, like spring. Today it is spring and a little cooler. The weekend though will be cold windy and maybe even wet. Where is the justice?!

I'm really looking forward to spring break. Maybe we can get started on the yard. It's been little more than a vacant lot for he last two years. When I see pictures of its former lush beauty I feel awful.

Many home projects waiting for something else to happen first. A log jam, but that first log is so big it feels like a Herculean task to get started. Herculean and a money pit. One step at a time will not get it done. It feels like trying to build a sandcastle as the tide comes in. Baby steps get washed away before you can get to the next step.

Rambling to myself

2009-03-14T07:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for awhile. So, this is just a ramble - fair warning.

I loved the movies Escape to Witch Mountain and Return to Witch Mountain when I was a kid. Now there's a remake. I think it's being remade to remind me how lame a movie can be and still be great to a kid.

We went to the opera Wednesday. Das Rheingold. It was Alex and Caitlin's first opera. I wish I had chosen a different one. It was good, but I think they would have enjoyed Mozart more. It was so great to go out with them though. We have to do it more. Maybe we need to just visit the family in Riverside for the day next time.

Mom had a UTI. It made her pretty sick and completely gone mentally. Fortunately we saw the symptoms early enough to get her on antibiotics without a hospital stay. She seems pretty well recovered, although she still hasn't gotten up this morning and it's already 8:00. Her sheets will be pretty wet!

OK, if I'm going to go all medical...I've been having lady issues. Or to be more exact - a lack of lady issues. After some tests the doctor determined there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just menopausal. Cool, I guess. It's one less monthly complication. I'm only 44 so it's a little young, but that's how averages work. Some are younger than 51 and some are older.

I went to the PINK support rally at one of our major intersections. http://www.the-signal.com/news/article/10553/ For those of you not into California education yesterday was Pink Friday. The day pink slips had to be given to teachers for next year. About 40 were given out in my district. There were teachers from our district and the high school district at our selected intersection. There were groups at major intersections throughout our city. It was a little windy and hard to hold up signs that were like sails, but I spent two hours with my coworkers doing it. Several of my friends there received their pink slips a few weeks ago. My district is really trying to help them by giving them as much information as they can as early as they can. It's so sad. Many people who are losing their jobs have young families and have just bought houses. One single librarian got her pink slip. She has cancer and needs the insurance coverage. Brutal.

I'm reading Uncle Tom's Cabin. The style is so different from the last book I read, Old Man and the Sea. I feel like slapping Harriet Beecher Stowe sometimes. I like a crisp style and this is more like deep dish stuffed crust.

I signed up for Twitter. HATE IT... ok that makes it sound like I care. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why would anyone want to use it? Are you so self-important as to think I want blow - by - blow a report on what you're doing? If you are that important, let me read your blog not your short reports with links to blogs etc.

That's it my blog of the month is done.

2009-02-10T05:35:00.000-08:00

Charlotte and Ramona are coming to visit for a few days. I'm excited and am planning some fun adventures. Autumn and Rene are going to Spain for a symposium so we get to babysit.

My biggest plan is taking them to a ranch for what they call a play day. Basically it's time grooming horses, feeding goats, and just hanging out on the ranch. Along with that they will take a 30 minute horseback ride. We'll probably do that tomorrow, hopefully the weather will hold.

Other ideas are bowling, indoor playground, IHOP for breakfast, making and decorating Valentine cookies, or maybe just Valentines with glue and glitter etc.

I'm taking off 2 days from work and then we have a 4 day weekend which means I'll be off 6 days! Gary picks the girls up today and they;ll be there when I get home from work. I can't wait!

Maybe after 5 or 6 days I'll be better at telling them apart.

shopping frustrations - writing without a plan

2009-01-04T15:36:00.000-08:00

Today I went shopping for three things. Notice I used a number in my topic sentence. I may write 3 supporting paragraphs - be prepared. I needed, well okay wanted, a steamer, a wreath box, and a book. I thought I could get two of the three at WalMart and the third at Barnes and Noble. Since mom has been stir crazy, I decided to take her and the wheelchair. Gary agreed to go too. That makes taking mom easier, plus I like his company (a lot).

I now realize three items doesn't mean three supporting paragraphs. I need to rethink organization. One paragraph per stop? Along with organization, what is my focus?

We went to WalMart first. We have a pretty new "Super" WalMart (Sookie Stackhouse loves WalMart) and Sam's club (Sam is Sookie's boss) and I had a secret fantasy that all three items would be purchased in just one stop. There were several aisles devoted to Christmas decoration storage, but no wreath boxes. They had many stock pots, but none with a steamer insert to make it appropriate for tamale cooking. OK, hope against hope we went to the book aisle. The sign hanging above the aisle said BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS. Well, that was redundant, but promising. Unfortunately, it was over promising and under delivering. We walked out empty handed and got mom back in the car.

On our way to Smart and Final, which should have a steamer, we made an unplanned stop at Green Thumb. They usually have a good Christmas selection and we thought they might just have a wreath box. Gary went in while I sat in the car with mom. As the minutes ticked by, I figured he must have found one and was waiting to pay for it. No, he came out unencumbered (cool word-lots of affixes).

At this point you are probably wondering if I have a focus. Me too.

Smart and Final was a complete disappointment. They used to have all kinds of restaurant supplies and utilitarian kitchen equipment. Now they mostly have food in semi bulk packaging in an attempt to compete with warehouse stores. Their pots and pans took up less than a quarter of an aisle. Oh, and it was kind of dirty and sad in there. Mom was getting a little tired getting in and out of the car. Well at least I can read my new book when we get home. Next stop Barnes and Noble.

I have to stray from shopping and explain the book. This last TV season I watched the first episode of True Blood. I wasn't sure if I liked it, but I watched the next one. It seemed all over the place with too many characters thrown in hoping something would click. By the end of the season, I was hooked. For Christmas I asked for the first in the Sookie Stackhouse (main character) book series. Caitlin kindly obliged. The writing was not top notch (Like I, the kettle, should complain about the pot). The first book was pretty much the first season and took me a day and a half to read even with the grandkids here. Well, mom had given us each a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble (that's a whole other story-Focus!) so I went and bought the next three in the series. They were like cotton candy. Fluffy and desirable, but not filling. After I finished them and Caitlin made another B and N run, I quickly made my way through seven in about as many days. That brings me back to today's shopping trip. There is only one more available. I read the first chapter tease at the end of the last book and I'm primed. My silly goal is to read all eight before I have to go back to work.

This time Gary waited in the car with mom and I ran into the book store. I strode to the appropriate shelf, which I was familiar with by now, and looked...and looked. I moved the books to be sure it wasn't tucked behind...I couldn't believe it, so I looked again. I checked the end cap. I went back and looked again. I even asked for help. The nice girl knew exactly where it was. She led me to the same shelf and looked...and looked. She moved the books to check behind. Next she checked the computer. The book I want is in the limbo between hard cover and paperback. She could order it in hardcover for $24. Tempted though I was, I couldn't pay that much for such a trivial quick read. If the library doesn't have it, I'll wait until March when it comes out in paperback. Empty handed again, I returned to the car.

Three items on the list and four stores later nothing was checked off.

On a whim we stopped at K-Mart. I got my tamale pot! It was just sitting there patiently waiting for me to come and get it. I should have looked for the wreath box, but I was through.

Now I should write some falling action to wrap up my meandering personal narrative.

Once we got home and I checked the recipe, I realized there wasn't time to make tamales tonight. It takes two hours to soak the corn husks and another two hours in the steamer. I put the wreath in a trash bag and put it in the attic with the rest of the decorations. Gary went out again. This time for steak since he was on the hook for cooking dinner. Tamales will be dinner tomorrow.

Who is me?

2008-12-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

This morning I watched the last half of "Little Women". I mention this because Jo becomes the writer she becomes because of who she is and the experiences she had had which she then writes about. My grandmother's name was Jo. I've always felt some connection to Jo March because of Josie Mellquist, nee Johnson.

I once saw a science fiction show (Star Trek?) where an alien asks a human, "Who are you?" The first response the character gave was her name. Was it a female character or am I projecting myself into the memory? Anyway, the response of a name was met with some punishment - a shock or something. That is just your name. Who are you? A job title was the next punished response. That is just what you do. Who are you? A familial position was also rejected. I don't remember how the scene was resolved, but it has always stuck with me. How would I answer such a question? Who am I?

Well one thing is certain. Whoever I am, I am in part because I am Josie's granddaughter and I saw "Little Women" and whatever that sci fi show was. But I am not simply the result of my experiences am I? Admittedly my experiences in the sequence and intensities I experienced are a unique recipe. As are yours.

I watched an episode of "The Practice" in which many of the characters said we are what we do. Not our jobs, but our actions. I'm not looking to TV for the meaning of life. It just was interesting that it was one of my experiences today.

Today I also read Alex's philosophy paper on identity. He examined three or four theories of identity. Physical - very unsatisfying. Memory - interesting, but I'm not sure I lose bits of myself as easily as I lose my keys or your name. Mom doesn't remember a lot of things, but she is still her. Soul - hmm, I think that is a bit too undefinable. And yet...maybe that's just like calling something magic because it isn't understood.

Who am I? Am I the same person I was before? Am I the same person I will be? Is the towering oak the same as the acorn, the same as the seedling? The sapling? Or is it the sunshine and rain and lightning strikes and burrowing insect that makes it what it is? But I am not a what, I am a who.

Maybe we are the sum of our experiences. As I get older each experience is a smaller percentage of the previous sum and so the me that I am is less diluted or altered by any one experience. Now most experiences just subtly flavor the soup that is me.

One thing I know. I am me and the me that I am would like to take a philosophy class. I'm not looking for answers. Because whatever the answer, I yam what I yam. I just like pondering the questions.

2008-12-13T12:19:00.000-08:00

When you have a new baby they are so precious. Dependent on you for everything. Bit by bit they become more able to do things on their own. Roll over, sit up, stand, walk. Sometimes progress means more work for a while. Baby proofing. They want to pick their clothes, dress themselves, go to the toilet on their own. Each bit of independence starts with a need for lots of support. slowly they attain autonomy. They babble and coo. You babble back. Eventually there are words, then phrases, then real two way communication.

Mom is making the slow reverse of that process. Rather than reveling with each achievement, I dread each step towards complete debilitation. I'm afraid of the day that I can't take care of her anymore. I worry I won't notice that day until it passes and I'm not taking care of her the way I should.

Two way communication has devolved into her phrases that make occasional sense and my replies that are attempts to seem engaged.

"Sort of off course, schedule..."
"Well it's Saturday"
"Is that his two tickets"
"Whose tickets?"
"Yes...There's a hole up there ahead first row"

Sometimes she forgets how to sit down in a chair or on the toilet. She stands there facing the seat, trying to puzzle out how to do it. Sometimes she'll start to sit down and then stand up again over and over.

I worry when she goes to the bathroom alone. Yet it isn't bad enough that I go with her every time. Today when she came back she was trying to ask/tell me something. At first I thought she couldn't pull up her pants. That's a common thing. She'll come out with her pants below her bottom. In a toddler it might be cute. Especially because it wouldn't happen very often before the pulling up pants skill would be mastered.

That wasn't it. Finally I figured out there was something she wanted me to do back in her room. As I walked back I could here the water running. I guess she forgot how to turn it off. What a mess. The sink drain was closed and the water was pouring over the counter and covering the floor, flooding out into her bedroom. Other than a package of Poise pads, nothing was permanently damage. How long will it be before it happens again?

adapt or go mad

2008-12-02T05:59:00.000-08:00

Being a teacher means being ready to adapt.

Yesterday was the first day third grade grouped across the grade level for reading. I had 20 students from other classes plus six from my own. That means an hour of reading only and everything else being rescheduled around it.

Oh, and a half hour music rehearsal on the stage first thing in the morning. This was scheduled by the music teacher who didn't realize she should have told us sooner than last week. We had to arrange with another grade level to trade because we were originally scheduled for the middle of our new reading time.

Oh, and I got a new student yesterday. She can read, but I'm worried about where she is in math.

All of these little things plus the long weekend added up to behavior problems.

Now I had plenty of warning about this, but today is my yearly observation. A 45 minute snapshot of my teaching prowess. This year I have to teach an "Articulated Writing" lesson. This is the latest writing program the district has adopted. The administrator who is observing me made it clear she wanted to see direct instruction. Well a good lesson doesn't just have direct instruction. It also has guided practice and independent practice. So how I'm going to gracefully end this lesson is still up in the air. Perhaps I'll have a student hold up a "The End" sign and take a curtsy.

Well Meaning

2008-11-15T06:02:00.000-08:00

I ran into a friend from work that I hadn't seen for a long time. We chatted for a minute and then she asked about mom. I told her it was getting steadily worse. She asked if mom was still living with us. When I said yes, I think she meant to be supportive by saying she would do the same and that she would never have someone else care for her parents. So I guess in her eyes I would be a total failure and terrible daughter if it ever got too hard to keep mom at home.

One of my administrators is always telling me about nursing homes that are "really great" and that I should look into moving mom into one. It's just too much to care for her at home, and it would be so much easier, etc. They're like grand hotels. So I guess in her eyes I'm playing the martyr and a terrible wife and mother if I keep mom at home.

I have had those two very different attitudes given to me by doctors too. One of mom's doctors was very much a keep her at home supporter. She kept her parents at home and it is the only right choice. My own doctor says it's too stressful and he is a nursing home supporter.

I know I have to do what is right for mom and my family in our situation. For now that means keeping her at home, but I am not saying it will be forever. I'm pretty sure there will get to be a point when we can't keep her at home, but it's not yet.

politics

2008-10-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

Argh!

I don't like confrontation. I don't like arguing. I try to avoid political discussions like the plague.

I wonder how politically vocal I can be and still be secure in my job. I wish I had taken a class in debate back in my high school days.

I just saw a news article that painted anti-prop 8 protesters as weirdos. Then they quoted pro 8ers saying the stupidest things. This issue is just making me crazy! I can't believe how ready people are to take away equal rights. I hope the courts are ready to strike this down if it passes.

Organizing

2008-10-27T05:36:00.000-07:00

Organizing is more than half the battle in my classroom/life.

I can't do any planning in my classroom until I've organized. Yesterday I redid name tags, changed the seating, redid the table point chart, and laid out the reading group materials before I started my lesson plans for the week. I could have worked for another 3 or 4 hours, though there would have been diminishing returns.

An organized room is calming and I do a lot of preplanning in my head as I move desks and clean whiteboards. On the other hand maybe it's an avoidance strategy.

Compared to many of my colleagues' rooms mine is stark. I like a little white space on my walls. I feel overwhelmed by too many art projects, posters, and lists. On the other hand I worry that visitors may think I don't do as much as the other teachers. After all they only know what they see.

We have administrators from the district office observing us now. They want to see the standards and strategies we are working on posted in the room. I haven't figured out how to do that so my students actually benefit from it.

anticipation

2008-10-24T05:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was so long. Multiplication in a Week is labor intensive. No time for recess or lunch. Followed by after school crosswalk duty at what I lovingly call the corner of death. Then a two hour off campus meeting with the cute name Comprehension Club. Yes, that's the official name.

All through my day though was anticipation for our Fall Festival. I volunteered to be in the dunk tank from 6:30 to 7:00. We dunkees had been conferring all week about our misgivings. Still, dunking sounded better to me than pie in the face. I decided to wear my spring suit, which is a wet suit with short sleeves and legs.No white t-shirts, this is a school function!

The tank had bars around the upper half making it look like a cage. The bars protect against wild throws. I had seen them filling the tank earlier in the day. Water straight from the hose. It's not that I expected it to be heated, but seeing the hose made me shiver.

Once it was my turn in the tank I decided to duck in the water before taking my position. I wanted to get the first dunk out of the way. It was cold, but the suit helped a lot. Child after child paid their 4 tickets ($1) for 2 throws. Most didn't even come close to the target. A few hit it so lightly that it didn't release the seat. I started to relax and have fun.

Then I saw him. About 14, tall and lean muscles, baseball cap at a jaunty angle. I knew this was it! Throw and thwap! He missed, but that was a hard throw. The next...Wet, water in my nose, I'm under water and it's a shock! As I climb back on the seat I realize it wasn't so bad. Like most things the anticipation was worse than the reality.

Now I sit on the hot - no the cold seat and wait to be dunked again. And wait, and wait. I shiver and make cheery small talk with my students, parents, and staff as I wait for the next skilled pitcher. Child after child takes their shot. I hope one of my students succeeds, but none do. Then I notice another young teen in line. uh-oh he looks like he plays baseball. Sure enough, down I go. This is when I discover it's warmer to be be in the water than in the evening air evaporating.

I only got dunked one more time. Three dunks in 30 minutes. At 7:00 my 12 hour school day was almost over. I peeled off my wet suit in the staff bathroom and headed home. Now the anticipation was for my hot jacuzzi tub.

There's no crying in third grade

2008-10-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

There is no crying in third grade - unless you are the teacher.

That's all.

If I never see another multiplication problem again I will die a happy woman. If I had a nickle for every time I screamed in my head, "Shut up B****!" at my meeting today, I'd at least have a buck to show for attending. If I had time to plan and implement everything they tell me to do at meetings that take up all my planning time...

I want to be a team player, but I don't think we're playing the right game.

Prop. 8 - just say NO

2008-10-19T06:58:00.000-07:00

I don't usually like to talk politics. I always feel like others are more informed than I am and that my comments will just fuel the stupidity. I try to be private about my politics and religious opinions. That being said, Prop 8 is pissing me off!

First of all I think we need to really be careful about passing laws that deny rights to some that are granted to others. As a side note, I'm not convinced that felons should lose their right to vote.

I'm against prop. 8. That's not what pisses me off.

What pisses me off is the fear mongering.

One ad actually says gay marriage will become mandatory. What? Do I have to get divorced and marry a woman? Mandatory for who? Yes, the courthouse has to grant gay couples marriage licenses and perform civil services for gay couples.

Churches will not be forced to marry people. Just like a Catholic church does not have to marry a non-catholic couple now. How many lawsuits are there against LDS churches for not marrying Catholics in their temples?!

I teach 3rd grade. I do not "teach marriage" in any form. It is not a California standard. I have not suddenly started teaching same sex marriage now that it is legal. The parents from my classroom do not need to worry that curriculum has or will change. Marriage is not part of the curriculum!

Stay out of my personal life, protect my rights, protect everyone else's rights. Don't use fear in the place of facts to convince me of your issue.

water cooler

2008-10-06T18:17:00.000-07:00

I'm a teacher. We don't congregate at the water cooler. Our meeting place is the copy machine. Today was no exception. I ran into my friend who is wrapping up her first trimester as a prego. It started as a "how's it going" quicky conversation and turned into a three-way birthing story. One thing women can always get wrapped up in is their birthing stories. I'm as guilty as the next. It's a time, one of the few, when we are truly the stars in our lives and not supporting players. The problem today was I was in line for the copier and the woman copying was deeply involved in sharing with the nervous newbie to motherhood. I wanted to chat too, share my own fascinating experiences, but I also wanted to copy and go home. I restrained myself and didn't regale them with the wonders of my two births. Finally the stories were done, the copying queue advanced, and my turn at the machine arrived.

It's funny. We talk all day to our students, but we are starved for conversation.

Busy Week

2008-10-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

This has been Fall Break. Fall Break is a week off in the middle of our first trimester. It seems like a ridiculous time to have a break. Nonetheless (love that word) I've enjoyed the time off.

I've done all kinds of chores including having my baby tooth extracted. A creepy bit of work, but now it's done and I can get on with my life.

I had a few realizations about money this week. First, if you don't have medical insurance, you're screwed. I know this isn't news. It was just made very clear to me. We have a new insurance company as of October first. When Gary picked up his two prescriptions they tried to charge him almost $400 because the old insurance denied it and they didn't know about the new insurance. With the insurance information the charge dropped down to about $25. WOW! My mom was in the emergency room a while back. Before insurance the doctor's bill would have been around $800. With Medicare and her private insurance the charge dropped to $17. The second realization came at the car dealership. I had some work done and I realized they just make up how many hours of labor to charge. How can it take 3 1/2 hours to program new keys?! I know it doesn't take 2 1/2 hours to replace an antenna mast.

During the break I also finished some work in the closet. I put up new shelves and discovered I have an embarrassing amount of shoes. I replaced our old smoke detector when I realized the old one wasn't working. I have this fear of dying in an embarrassing way like a fire when the alarm is broken. This paragraph let's you know I have a fear of being embarrassed. It's why I haven't learned a new language.

My Baby Tooth

2008-09-24T17:18:00.001-07:00

I have a baby tooth. Not in a jar on the shelf, in my mouth. When I was a teenager it seemed like a quirky cool thing that made me different. I also never had wisdom teeth, another cool thing.

Now it's not so cool and I'm over the quirky thing. It hurts. At least two years ago I decided it was time to have it replaced. Then I found out what that would mean. After another year of pain/discomfort I decided I had to do it. After talking to Dr. Poitras about the process again I decided to wait some more.

"Whimp!" you may say. Especially you who have had wisdom teeth removed, but "Nay!" say I.

First they remove the offending infant and let it heal for two months. TWO MONTHS I'll have a gap. Then they put in the implant post. Not the pretty final tooth - just the post. After another few months they top it with the pretty tooth.

Oh, and by the way, my insurance won't pay for it. They would pay for a bridge, but that damages the neighbor teeth.

So, finally I've put the money aside in a tax free medical account. It's use it or lose it, so I guess I'm committed this time.

I don't wanna!!!!!!!!

quiet

2008-09-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning was quite frenetic.

Showers start at 5:00 even on a regular day. Mine's at 5, Caitlin 5:30, sometime between 6 and 6:30 I help mom. Caitlin is out the door at 6:30.

Yesterday mom had an appointment at 8:00 in the valley. She was stressed because she couldn't keep straight that she would leave at 7:00 not she had to be there at 7:00. It was a long appointment with the drug study group. She's participating in a study of an alzheimers drug. I think she's getting the placebo, because she is steadily declining.

I packed a bag for mom and helped Gary get her in the car.

Alex got up before 7:00 for his shower and was out the door by 7:15.

QUIET
QUIET

How long has it been since I've been home alone. It was heaven. No one needed anything. Total relaxation...ok, that was it. Maybe 10 minutes and then I had to go to work.

That few moments though...wow

Siegfried and Roy

2008-09-17T05:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I was viewing a total eclipse of the sun from many places around the globe. This statement alone should let you know I was asleep the whole time.

The final way I intended to see the eclipse was skydiving in Africa, or was it the Nevada desert. My diving partners were Siegfried and Roy. After jumping out of the plane, something I would never do if I was awake, I couldn't find the ripcord. I kept looking and looking, not really panicked. After a while it wasn't me who couldn't find the cord, it was Siegfried, or was it Roy? Anyway my chute worked fine and his finally opened. And that was it.

hermit

2008-09-16T05:16:00.000-07:00

I have this fantasy. Now before I go any farther I want to make it clear, I love you and you shouldn't take this personally.

Usually this fantasy hits me in the kitchen.

My fantasy includes one plate, one cup, one knife, one spoon, one fork. Food in my fantasy is single serving, narrow in scope. Cereal, yogurt, bread. Nothing using the stove, pots, or pans. Nothing that splatters.

What is it like to clean the kitchen and come back later to a clean kitchen?

How about the bathroom. One product for all washing. One towel. ONE TOOTHBRUSH.

My fantasy does not include shoes anywhere other than on feet or in closets.

Dog hair does not exist. Neither do used tissues, half empty water bottles, unfolded laundry.

How do other people do it? I can't possibly keep up with the housework and I don't even do the cooking. If I did, we would eat the same thing everyday - and it would be plain.

writing

2008-08-22T05:19:00.000-07:00

Hmm, that writing plan of mine hasn't been happening. I notice that a lot of what I want to write I worry will be read. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I don't want to expose anyone's confidentialities. (Is that even a word?) I know what I mean - you, that reader I worry about, know what I mean.

busy busy

2008-08-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

Every day is full of planned and unplanned events. Some good, some bad, some mundane. I crave time to do whatever I want including nothing. Even fun things seem like a chore to fit in.

I hate feeling guilty that I'm not working in my classroom. After all, I'm not paid/contracted to be there until the 12th. There is no way I could do what is needed in that short period of time. I'll have to get in there soon.

They’re all ugly!

2008-07-04T17:39:00.001-07:00

Gary and I are going to Santa Barbara and Solvang with Gayle for the weekend. I wanted a new summer dress for our wine tasting tour. Nothing fancy. Just something new to make me feel pretty and stuff.

I went to the mall today and all the dresses were UGLY! I noticed this trend when I took Caitlin dress shopping a few weeks ago. I think she got the only pretty dress produced this season.

I bought a skirt that was 70% off. It's great for the $11 it cost, but not what I had in mind. The dresses were so ugly that I didn't even try any on. Ordinarily I'll give a dress a chance if it seems even close. Today nothing warranted the effort.

I'm sure what I wear won't effect the fun we'll have, but damn! I wanted a new dress.

writing prompt #2

2008-06-30T16:30:00.000-07:00

A Boy and His Bass
6-30-08

Picture 14 in my photo album is titled a boy and his bass. Alex plays a huge upright bass his mouth agape. Is he singing, shouting, or calling out, “Watch me! Watch me!” like he did as a little boy? I am in awe when I see this young man that was once my little baby. I still recognize that tow headed toddler in him. When he was little I could protect him, control his environment. Now I wonder how much influence I can have on him. He has such highs and lows Can he see the highs ahead when in the throes of despair? My heart aches and I fear for this boy when he says his happiest times are when he’s sleeping. The long sleep would end any possibility for happiness. I want to fix everything for him and I can’t. And I shouldn’t. “Hang in there it gets better,” I tell him. He feels powerless, but doesn’t know how to take control and hold it. Self discipline would help, but that isn’t a switch that can just be turned on. It takes constant work until it’s a habit. He needs to take control rather than be a passive victim of circumstance. I want to help, but maybe I’ve helped too much in the past. Watch me, watch me! I watch all the time. Even when I can’t see him, I watch, holding my breath, waiting for him to land or emerge from this daredevil feat of growing up.

writing prompt #1

2008-06-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

Who is this woman that sits beside my bed? She rests calmly without moving day and night. Is she a fertility goddess as I’ve joked before?

Her rough pink surface makes me think of sandstone walls. Her rough pink surface attracts and holds the dust that floats by. I’m attracted to her too. I caress her, imagine sitting in her cupped lap that makes me think of a cupped hand ready to receive and cherish. She is stone, but not cold. She invites touch with her firm curves.

Why do I keep her? I don’t really think of her as a goddess - fertility or otherwise. I don’t believe in such things. She’s dusty and takes up space. She has to be protected against breaking. She certainly doesn’t fit into our admittedly eclectic décor. I’m attracted to her. She invites touch. She receives and cherishes.

2008-06-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

Household hazardous waste A.K.A. old paint

We have a lot

I’m taking it to the HHW drop off today

Will the garage ever be done?!

conversation?

2008-06-14T18:30:00.001-07:00

Conversations with some people are more like being an audience than a co-star.

summer has arived

2008-06-14T15:25:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of summer break. Or maybe not. Since I would have today, Saturday, off anyway maybe it doesn't quite count like Monday will.

This morning I took the dogs to Central Bark, the new dog park. It was fun. They were both well behaved and now they've been lazing around all day.

I also watered in the front and ate boysenberries from the vine.

Then Caitlin and I went to Costco where I spent most of our stimulus check on groceries, our membership renewal, and Dun-Da-Da-Dum a new notebook computer! I am now lying in bed typing away! I've missed my old laptop, but it gave up the ghost quite a while ago.

No I'm ready for one of my summer projects - writing. I like writing and writing likes me. Now I'll have more time for it and once again my own computer to do it on.

sleepless

2008-06-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

I was up for hours last night berating myself for being such a bad teacher. I should have done this and more of that. Why is it the negative thoughts come uninvited to bury me? I've done plenty of good and great things this year, but those I have to coax to the front of my mind and force to do battle with the unwelcome overwhelming bad. Therapists call it selftalk I think. Last night I was my worst critic.

so many plans

2008-06-03T19:07:00.000-07:00

When the school year is over...

I'll go to the gym.

we'll try to shift our schedule by an hour. Get up at 6, lunch at 1, dinner at 7, mom's bed time can stay at 8.

I'll work in the yard.

I'll keep up with house work.

I'll start writing. Writing with a capital W. I found a website with over a hundred writing prompts. I figure I'll start with #1 and work my way through. Good practice. I love to write and I want to do it more.

I'll wash, walk, and take the dogs to the dog park.

I'll go to all the places I have memberships for. LACMA, LA Zoo, Nat hist museum, etc.

I'll start planning for the next school year.

retirement party

2008-06-01T06:33:00.000-07:00

I went to Mrs. Witter's retirement party.Just saying Mrs. Witter rather than Julie probably makes it clear that she's a teacher. She taught for 32 years! She was Caitlin's 2nd grade teacher and the year after that she was mine. My first year as a teacher Julie and I shared a class. I learned so much from her. I learned about teaching, students, and parents. I learned about patience, priorities, and collaboration. She is an incredible woman, mentor, and teacher.

A few years ago I went to an end of the year party. They celebrated a retiring teacher I didn't know. After the speeches all I could think was, "God don't let that be me." Her career sounded bleak and wasted. I was so depressed afterward. Granted, I was kind of depressed before and feeling bleak and wasted myself. I was probably projecting.

Anyway, after Julie's party I feel reinvigorated. Not to mention...Sam is still alive! Sam is the mud puppy salamander Julie had in her room when Caitlin was in her class. It was at the end of life expectancy then. He has vacationed at our house a few times when Julie was out of town. I stopped asking about him, because I was afraid by now he must be dead. We figured once he must be about Caitlin's age, 16.

School play

2008-05-30T05:47:00.000-07:00

Our play was great! The students really pulled it together. I guess there's nothing like a live audience to make them get serious. They basked in the applause and then as they were leaving the stage someone "accidentally" pulled the fire alarm. Oh well we need to have one every month anyway.

Working on the play this year made me think again of one of my favorite movies. Parenthood with Steve Martin ends with a school play falling apart. I love this movie's exploration of family at so many stages.

next year

2008-05-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

There are only 2 1/2 weeks of school left so of course minds turn to next year. All the things I can do better - next year is a clean slate. Organizing and planning make me very optimistic.

There are only 2 1/2 weeks left. I'm optimistic in one part of my head. In the other parts I accuse myself of not doing all that I could have this year. I couldn't sleep because I felt so anxious and panicky.

is it ok

2008-05-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

to be an elementary teacher and...

an atheist

pro legalization of drugs

anti pledge of allegiance

pro gay marriage

too much input not enough control

2008-05-22T16:34:00.000-07:00

I feel buffeted about by the world without enough power or ability to order my little space within it.

I have a stupid meeting tomorrow where everyone will be a chief - no Indians - even if you want to be one, it's not allowed. I had corner duty (Mrs. Rich, you said duty!)and the other teacher didn't show up. So I had to be a crossing guard in two directions at once. One test I gave today my students bombed because they were burned out and not careful - I gave them a second chance. Another test it looks like they bombed because the computer has the wrong answer key. I'll score those by hand. But I also need to explain the problem and I feel like an idiot. The test and the answer key match, but the answers in the computer don't. The test and key are from last year, but the computer has the updated answers. We just don't have the updated test.

The daycare my mom used to go to is trying to bill us for thousands of dollars. When she started there we were told it was covered by medicare. Now admittedly covered might not be the same as COMPLETELY covered. However, since she never got a bill we assumed it was completely covered. Once she stopped going, years after she started, they say she owes all this money.

I need to get a durable power of attorney before she gets any worse. I thought I had something like that, but after going through all the family trust stuff, I can't find anything.

We have a bottle of champagne. I want to drink it, but it seems wrong.

Sandwich Generation

2008-05-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks Jorge

2008-05-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

So, I was looking at Jorge Garcia's Blog and decided I'd try it. So, Thanks Jorge.

It's Sunday night. Tomorrow I get to teach decimals. It's not all bad though. We're also going to make clay pots and rehearse our Santa Clarita play. The pots will be an adventure. I've never used the kiln. I hope it works or there will be 18 disappointed fathers on Father's Day. Or is it Fathers' Day?

9:00 so it's bed time.