indecision?

I can't even decide if it's indecision - I guess that clinches it.

Life seems to finally be settled. I'm no longer caring for my mom and the chaos of caring for and then losing her has subsided. Don't get me wrong, there is still a room and file cabinet full of stuff to deal with. She lived with us for four years and it was exhausting mentally and emotionally for all of us. Have I really recovered?

I am finishing my first year in 4th grade and am reasonably sure I'll be in the same grade, school, and classroom next year. I cross my fingers that I don't get a split 3/4 class.

Why do I want to stir the pot by going back to school in the fall? Maybe I should take the next year to breathe and smooth down those loose ends I've been trying to get under control.

There are several arguments against going back to school in the fall, if there weren't I'd be writing my personal statement instead of blogging. First, the program I'm interested in is a cohort program. If I start, I'm committing (committing - mm - tt - you have to commit to double letters) to two years of classes - no summer off. Next, (transition word to help my readers) this fall will only be the second start for the program. They are only half-way through the first cohort. Some of the classes haven't even been taught for the first time. The faculty member that spoke at our information meeting hasn't taught her class yet. How can the success of the program be judged at this point? Finally, (transition again - and it gives the reader light at the end of the ramble) am I really sure this is the area of study I want? Oh - sorry reader - and am I really sure I want/need to go back to school? Oh hell! So, so sorry reader - there is always the money, too.

There are many pros for going back. Of course I want to go back to school. I love school. I want a graduate degree of my very own to have and to hold. When I look at the courses being offered in this program I get excited. I'm not getting any younger. My educational clock is ticking. I can go back now - mom's gone, I have my new grade level under control, my kids are grown...

I think I'm leaning towards waiting. I need to apply soon if I'm going to. I don't have to decide - I could apply and if accepted not go. Or go. I wonder if they would defer my enrollment. I think I'll ask.

I keep thinking about the fact that the program is so new. In some ways it seems exciting, a pioneer (okay, that's hyperbole). I'm a little skeptical though. They mentioned a few changes they were making as the first cohort moved through the process. Nothing huge, but still it concerns me.