darkest before the dawn

Sunday night the world was against me.  I couldn't sleep.  I was a failure as a teacher, a rider, and basically as a human being.

The next morning I had a critical meeting to determine how a struggling student could be helped.  I had pushed and pushed to get this far in the process.  Now the meeting with administrators, specialists, and the parents was about to happen.  What if I haven't prepared properly?  Will I look incompetent?  Will they determine the student doesn't need additional help?  Will I fail the student and my employer in one disastrous meeting?  All night I questioned myself and the "system".

The day before, Sunday, I had ridden G on trail by myself.  He balked at one point a half hour into our ride and I could not get him to go by a long row of bushy trees.  He had passed it at least four times before, so I couldn't figure out why he was side stepping, backing, and spinning every time I pointed him in that direction.  Was he afraid of the wind blowing them or just being a punk?  I didn't want him to "win" because that sets a bad precedent for future rides, but I didn't want to get hurt or hurt him either.  His spins and backing brought him very close to the edge of a wash and into gopher hole pocked soft dirt.  I didn't want him falling or breaking a leg.

I made him do a few things like circling and going up a different road before turning for home.  I didn't want it to seem like he had totally won, but I'm sure he wasn't fooled.  When I took him back to his stall he bolted in almost knocking me over - this has gotta stop!  Maybe I should just give up, obviously I will never be good at this horse thing.

So, Monday morning came.  My meeting went well, and the student is going to have a full evaluation to determine the next steps. 

Wednesday I talked to Michelle about G.  She told me to take a riding crop on my next trail ride and to make him mind.  She's sure it's bad behavior and not fear.  She also helped me put G away and showed me how to deal with his behavior.  After she showed me, she had me do it and stayed with us until we got it right.  Never once did she make me feel like I was a failure or like I would never be good with horses.

So, today I'm a good teacher again and an acceptable novice horse person.  All is well in the world for now.