When I Think of Mom

That title reminds me of a song from "The King and I" that is totally unrelated.

I think of mom the most when I take a shower. This might seem strange, but I showered her for a long time. At first it was just as a supervisor, but the last year or so I did most or all of the work. Then I massaged on body lotion and dressed her. It was such a physical ritual that it is etched in my brain and comes to me every time I wash my own body.

I think about her skin. So damaged by the sun, her arms and hands were like tissue paper. Her torso though had smooth lovely skin. I felt like it was so unfair that the world only saw the spotted dry wrinkly parts. Her hands and feet were so gnarled with arthritis, but she had a lovely waist and hips.

So much of what I did with her the last few years was physical care taking. I'm so glad I was able to be there for her and to take care of her, but I wish other memories came as easily.

I guess my memories are like her body. It's easy to see the gnarled bruised damaged parts. The beautiful parts take work to remember.

IT frustration!

I got a letter from CSUN. First I was excited - an acceptance letter?! Then I was nervous - so thin, did they really reject me?

Neither, it was a letter telling me that all future communications would be online. They gave me a user name and instead of giving me a password they said, "Please use existing password"

Hmm, I have that written down somewhere. It's been eons since I used the CSUN email. So I find my password and log-in to their "portal". So far so good, but the password doesn't work for the email. And it's Saturday. The automatic IT service can't help me. I have to call on Monday. So I call, the guy I talk to gives me obvious instructions - things I had already tried, but I said thank you and hung up. When it didn't work I called back.

The girl I talked to at least asked for my I.D. number and treated me like an individual. Unfortunately something didn't look right on her end so she put me on hold. When she finally got back to me she said the person she needed was busy and could I call back in 15 minutes.

Well, my 15 minutes are up. I'm going to call back and try TRY not to be frustrated or grumpy. Who knows, maybe there is some important email waiting for me. Maybe there is time sensitive stuff needing my attention. OK, probably there is just a "thank you for your application" note.

I had an epiphany the last time I was at LACMA. Pretty crazy considering I have a bachelors degree in art. But here goes:

You have to know how to read and the language a book is written in for it to have any meaning for you. It isn't cheating to learn the language or to have the book translated.

the rough draft of the rough draft - aka outline?

a one-page statement of purpose describing and explaining the applicant’s interest in the CSUN M.A. in Humanities program and how enrollment in the program will contribute to the applicant’s personal and/or professional growth and success.

and that is the prompt

The courses being offered excite me, not a giddy excitement. Excite - wake up - prime my intellectual pump. They address ideas that are at the center of my being.

What is sacred?
What defines me?
What is my place (where am I - where am I going - who has gone there before?)
How are we connected?

That's the personal growth.

I don't know what professional growth will be addressed. Having more depth of knowledge never hurts when teaching. I'm not looking for another job and the $500 stipend for having a masters degree is meaningless when you divide it between paychecks and subtract taxes.

Argh. I've got work to do. I'll roll it around a little more - like a dung beetle? - like Sisyphus?

indecision?

I can't even decide if it's indecision - I guess that clinches it.

Life seems to finally be settled. I'm no longer caring for my mom and the chaos of caring for and then losing her has subsided. Don't get me wrong, there is still a room and file cabinet full of stuff to deal with. She lived with us for four years and it was exhausting mentally and emotionally for all of us. Have I really recovered?

I am finishing my first year in 4th grade and am reasonably sure I'll be in the same grade, school, and classroom next year. I cross my fingers that I don't get a split 3/4 class.

Why do I want to stir the pot by going back to school in the fall? Maybe I should take the next year to breathe and smooth down those loose ends I've been trying to get under control.

There are several arguments against going back to school in the fall, if there weren't I'd be writing my personal statement instead of blogging. First, the program I'm interested in is a cohort program. If I start, I'm committing (committing - mm - tt - you have to commit to double letters) to two years of classes - no summer off. Next, (transition word to help my readers) this fall will only be the second start for the program. They are only half-way through the first cohort. Some of the classes haven't even been taught for the first time. The faculty member that spoke at our information meeting hasn't taught her class yet. How can the success of the program be judged at this point? Finally, (transition again - and it gives the reader light at the end of the ramble) am I really sure this is the area of study I want? Oh - sorry reader - and am I really sure I want/need to go back to school? Oh hell! So, so sorry reader - there is always the money, too.

There are many pros for going back. Of course I want to go back to school. I love school. I want a graduate degree of my very own to have and to hold. When I look at the courses being offered in this program I get excited. I'm not getting any younger. My educational clock is ticking. I can go back now - mom's gone, I have my new grade level under control, my kids are grown...

I think I'm leaning towards waiting. I need to apply soon if I'm going to. I don't have to decide - I could apply and if accepted not go. Or go. I wonder if they would defer my enrollment. I think I'll ask.

I keep thinking about the fact that the program is so new. In some ways it seems exciting, a pioneer (okay, that's hyperbole). I'm a little skeptical though. They mentioned a few changes they were making as the first cohort moved through the process. Nothing huge, but still it concerns me.

Phone message

It's been 4 1/2 months. I guess it's time (ok past time) to change the phone message. Sometimes I feel like I'm erasing mom's existence. I want to shout like a Seussian Who, "She was here! She was here!"

Sorting and Categorizing

Mom's room taunts me.

I'm working on a new strategy. The things that I know I'm keeping like photographs are just going in boxes and being stacked to the side. Whenever I look at them I get sucked in and don't get anywhere. I came across a family tree and history written by my paternal great-grandmother in 1920. That sucked me in and then got me working on a family tree website. Cool stuff, but it doesn't get her room cleared out.

There is a growing pile of yard sale items. Things I don't want, but somebody might. It's more than I'm willing to just give to Goodwill. It won't be yard sale weather for several months. I'll have time to put together plenty for that. Appliance Graveyard look out!

Then there are the things I'll try to unload on Ebay. This includes the porcelain eagle collection from the Crystal Cathedral. Mom loved them and I can't stand them. Their box is taking up a lot of space.

Yesterday I got out all the Christmas boxes that were temporarily in there. I also culled her and our Christmas ornaments. That helped.

Someday it will be done.