the rough draft of the rough draft - aka outline?

a one-page statement of purpose describing and explaining the applicant’s interest in the CSUN M.A. in Humanities program and how enrollment in the program will contribute to the applicant’s personal and/or professional growth and success.

and that is the prompt

The courses being offered excite me, not a giddy excitement. Excite - wake up - prime my intellectual pump. They address ideas that are at the center of my being.

What is sacred?
What defines me?
What is my place (where am I - where am I going - who has gone there before?)
How are we connected?

That's the personal growth.

I don't know what professional growth will be addressed. Having more depth of knowledge never hurts when teaching. I'm not looking for another job and the $500 stipend for having a masters degree is meaningless when you divide it between paychecks and subtract taxes.

Argh. I've got work to do. I'll roll it around a little more - like a dung beetle? - like Sisyphus?

indecision?

I can't even decide if it's indecision - I guess that clinches it.

Life seems to finally be settled. I'm no longer caring for my mom and the chaos of caring for and then losing her has subsided. Don't get me wrong, there is still a room and file cabinet full of stuff to deal with. She lived with us for four years and it was exhausting mentally and emotionally for all of us. Have I really recovered?

I am finishing my first year in 4th grade and am reasonably sure I'll be in the same grade, school, and classroom next year. I cross my fingers that I don't get a split 3/4 class.

Why do I want to stir the pot by going back to school in the fall? Maybe I should take the next year to breathe and smooth down those loose ends I've been trying to get under control.

There are several arguments against going back to school in the fall, if there weren't I'd be writing my personal statement instead of blogging. First, the program I'm interested in is a cohort program. If I start, I'm committing (committing - mm - tt - you have to commit to double letters) to two years of classes - no summer off. Next, (transition word to help my readers) this fall will only be the second start for the program. They are only half-way through the first cohort. Some of the classes haven't even been taught for the first time. The faculty member that spoke at our information meeting hasn't taught her class yet. How can the success of the program be judged at this point? Finally, (transition again - and it gives the reader light at the end of the ramble) am I really sure this is the area of study I want? Oh - sorry reader - and am I really sure I want/need to go back to school? Oh hell! So, so sorry reader - there is always the money, too.

There are many pros for going back. Of course I want to go back to school. I love school. I want a graduate degree of my very own to have and to hold. When I look at the courses being offered in this program I get excited. I'm not getting any younger. My educational clock is ticking. I can go back now - mom's gone, I have my new grade level under control, my kids are grown...

I think I'm leaning towards waiting. I need to apply soon if I'm going to. I don't have to decide - I could apply and if accepted not go. Or go. I wonder if they would defer my enrollment. I think I'll ask.

I keep thinking about the fact that the program is so new. In some ways it seems exciting, a pioneer (okay, that's hyperbole). I'm a little skeptical though. They mentioned a few changes they were making as the first cohort moved through the process. Nothing huge, but still it concerns me.

Phone message

It's been 4 1/2 months. I guess it's time (ok past time) to change the phone message. Sometimes I feel like I'm erasing mom's existence. I want to shout like a Seussian Who, "She was here! She was here!"

Sorting and Categorizing

Mom's room taunts me.

I'm working on a new strategy. The things that I know I'm keeping like photographs are just going in boxes and being stacked to the side. Whenever I look at them I get sucked in and don't get anywhere. I came across a family tree and history written by my paternal great-grandmother in 1920. That sucked me in and then got me working on a family tree website. Cool stuff, but it doesn't get her room cleared out.

There is a growing pile of yard sale items. Things I don't want, but somebody might. It's more than I'm willing to just give to Goodwill. It won't be yard sale weather for several months. I'll have time to put together plenty for that. Appliance Graveyard look out!

Then there are the things I'll try to unload on Ebay. This includes the porcelain eagle collection from the Crystal Cathedral. Mom loved them and I can't stand them. Their box is taking up a lot of space.

Yesterday I got out all the Christmas boxes that were temporarily in there. I also culled her and our Christmas ornaments. That helped.

Someday it will be done.

grad school?

Before mom got really bad off, I was in the graduate anthropology program at CSUN. I finally dropped out because I couldn't handle the workload, stress, etc. while working full time, and caring for mom. I remember telling my advisor I wouldn't be able to come back until after mom died. I was a sobbing mess - poor lady having to deal with me.

Now I'm thinking about going back to school, but switching programs. I love anthro, but I'm more of a dabbler/amateur/armchair anthro-wannabe. It is a road not traveled and it's not very practical to double back to that fork. I was having to take undergrad classes to be prepared for my grad classes.

I think the graduate program in Educational Psychology and Counseling with emphasis in development, learning, and instruction makes a lot more sense. Plus, I would actually use it every day.

I was at first just thinking about taking a class or two in psychology to help me deal with troubled students. Then as I looked at the program I thought it would be a good fit. I obviously have background and experience that will help me.

I think I'm officially on leave from CSUN and may be able to return and change programs without reapplying. The application deadline is in February, so I have time to figure it out.

I'm excited at the thought, but then I wonder am I crazy to take on something new. Maybe I need to relax for awhile. Well, if I do it it wouldn't start until the fall - almost a year from now.

interior decorating and crossroads

Today was the Santa Clarita Marathon. It made me sad not be in it, but also happy to know it's there when I'm ready. As far as being ready - I'm not. I'm not even ready to start getting ready.

Yesterday I walked the dogs about three miles and today about four. It was great to get out and just walk. I'd like to do a one mile walk before school, but so far I haven't. I'm still getting used to not being tied to the house.

I've decided I should try visualizing what I want - nothing crazy, really. For example, rather than thinking about what I want to do with our front living room - a process, I should think of how I want it to look when it's done. This may seem like the normal way to do it, but I've always thought of the process rather than the final product.

I want to try it with my future too. If I know what I want-what it will look like, then I can map how to get there. I mean stream of consciousness has its place of course, but in life you only get so many do overs and rewrites. I feel like I'm at a crossroad. I can keep going straight, but if I do I want it to be my choice not by default.

line, circle, spring

When I was in elementary school I learned about timelines. They are great for visualizing when something happened compared to other events. Time marches forward leaving events neatly along that straight line.

In one of my first anthropology courses I learned some societies think of time as a circle. How interesting. I couldn't see it. Time obviously is a one-way street. The past is getting farther and farther away as we move into the present always striding towards the future.

Funny thing about walking off into the unknown, you often pass a tree that looks oddly familiar. After awhile you notice you're following footprints that look a lot like your own. Finally, as I have now, you realize you're going in circles.

I've decided that the line and circle analogies should be melded into a coil, like a spring. Yes time circles. There is a cycle, a pattern that repeats. But there is also forward movement. Each circle winds atop the last. Sometimes the springlike coil of time is stretched and the turns seem farther apart. Sometimes each coil is pressed tight to the next and time seems to cycle while standing still. In a coil two places along the line can be far apart and yet lay right next to each other. Every Thanksgiving lies atop the last with a year coiling around between them. Each birth touches previous births, each first day of school, each first love, each marriage, each life, each death, coils of time bring them close together even when they are far apart.

In the last few years I've noticed that time isn't straight. I feel like a traveler that realizes the world isn't flat. I guess I am a traveler coiling my way through time.