reevaluation

There are about two weeks left of my current class.  "The Sacred" is only the second class in my graduate program.  I'm really struggling to research and write my final 10 - 15 page paper for the class.  I wonder if I can take an Incomplete and finish during the Christmas break.

I'm wondering if I've made the wrong choice or if I'm just stressed over the paper.  This graduate degree, which will take over two years, will not even pay for itself in the long run.  I want to have a graduate degree, but why?  Just so I can say I do?  Is it worth it?

I love being on the college campus, and I enjoy the class lectures and discussions.  I enjoy the reading, but I don't enjoy how much time it takes away from the many other things I enjoy.  I love to write, but not to the exclusion of other more physically active things.  I really love the positive feedback I get and even the critiques on my writing.  But I feel guilty when I take the time to water the plants or walk the dogs because my paper isn't even close to being done.  It's hardly even started, and here I am blogging instead of researching.

first paragraphs

The BBP (big bad paper) begins, 300 words down, one thousand more to go:

     Our course, Overview of the Humanities, is “an introduction to the cluster of academic disciplines usually known as the humanities, to what they do and how they do it.”  The course encourages reflection on what it is to be human, how we relate to the world, and what it is to live the good life.  By studying historical and contemporary ideas of truth and knowledge we are better equipped to explore and develop our own views.  During the first seven meetings of our course we have explored what the humanities are, what evidence there is of humankinds’ first world view, and what some of the first explanations of the world were.  We read about and discussed several philosophers and their views of knowledge and truth. Then we began exploring changes in knowledge through the disciplines of medicine and astronomy. 
    Constantly questioning and critically examining our beliefs and what we think we know, frees us from our assumptions about our world and our place in it.  As man’s knowledge of the workings of the world increases, his idea of truth changes.  He  views himself as more in control of his surroundings and more able to affect change.  This perceived power to know and control one’s place in the world is necessary for the good life.  The good life comes from understanding ourselves and choosing how we interact with our world.  For me, the strength that comes from knowing and valuing who I am as an individual and as a link between the past and the future is the good life.

The "Good life"

There are many references to the "Good life" in my degree description and syllabus.  I'm having a hard time deciding what the good life is.  We wrote about happiness.  Does being happy mean you're living the good life?  Somehow I have to include the good life in my next paper:

"The topic: How what we have done so far in the course can (1) help introduce someone into the Humanities (i.e. in which sense and to which extent), and (2) which consequences for a self-examination of ourselves (in particular for an examination of your worldview and your pursuit of the good life) this partial introduction may have."

English is not the professor's first language.  "self-examination of ourselves"

Humanities, hmmm.  We've talked about the liberal arts and how that was the course for those pursuing non-technical professions.  We've talked about philosophy freeing you from the slavish following of tradition "habits and tyranny of custom" was the phrase. (who do I site if I use that phrase?  damn!  Russel?)  Humanities, liberal arts, and philosophy aren't synonyms so I have to be careful with what I credit to the course overall.  Is this freedom what I should somehow connect to my happiness and my pursuit of the good life?  That seems obvious, but is it true?

One year

I dread Saturday.  I'm afraid of it.  That isn't even slightly rational.  Saturday will be a year from when mom died.  My culture doesn't have a ritual for that.  It would be easier if we did.  It seems right to acknowledge and mark the day and yet it feels self-indulgent.  I've been fighting back tears for a week.

Saturday is the next meeting of my philosophy class.  I should meet with my professor after class to discuss the big, bad paper that is due the following week.  I know if I meet with him I'll end up crying.  I hate that, but how can I talk about writing and philosophy on the anniversary of mom's death without getting all emotional.

I want to take a few days off from work and school to wallow.  I want to rub ashes on my face and wail.  But mine is a culture of stoicism.  So I will go to work and on Saturday I'll put on my public face, go to class, and try not to cry.

Happiness - 85%

So, I'm very frustrated.  And ok angry too.  I'll read my comments again, but I feel like he didn't read my paper through before he started making comments.  I think some of his comments are to get me to think more than just demerits, but...but...

Claire F. Rich

Humanities 501

Happiness - Extra Credit

              When considering happiness it is important not to be distracted by it’s flashy cousin pleasure.  Pleasure is intense, but fleeting.  It’s dependent on exterior stimuli.  I feel pleasure when horseback riding, kayaking, and dancing.  That light giddy feeling

Are pleasure and joy different?

lasts only slightly longer than the activity.

              Happiness is a calm satisfaction, a [foundation

“Foundation” of what? In which sense?

] that withstands the chaos of mundane life.  It can’t be created by a single pleasurable act.  Happiness can only be created over time from stuff [more substantial

“More substantial” in which sense?

] than novel activities.  [A sad person doesn’t become a happy person after one lighthearted afternoon

1)     Is sadness the opposite of happiness? What about joy instead?

2)     Is a “happy person” a person that has attained happiness?

.]  Fortunately, happiness can’t be destroyed easily either.  Day to day disappointments and setbacks are just dust to be swept from the foundation of happiness.  The rubble of painful events may take more time to clear away so that happiness can be exposed again.  It is only an extraordinary event or incessant hammering that can crack the foundation that is true happiness

**So, what is happiness? What defines it? Which sort of “calm satisfaction” is it? Is it the calm satisfaction of the mathematician after solving a problem?

.

                            I have happiness.  [It comes from my family and just as my family wasn’t created as a whole in one Genesis moment, I did not reach this state because of a single event.  My happiness comes from being at the center of a spreading ripple of family.  My happiness comes from knowing my center is a ripple of my parents’ center and their’s is a ripple of my grandparents’ center.  I reach back in time and forward to a future that is unknown and open, yet not empty or frightening

**1) In which sense are all these “sources” of your happiness? Show the relation between what they represent for you and your definition/view of happiness.

**2) Does this mean that happiness “comes from” the exterior? Is it then a question of being “lucky” regarding the conditios in which we live?

.]

              My happiness comes from being a woman in a series of women.

              The long and painful end of my mother’s life was an incessant hammering at the heart of the [my foundation of happiness

Do you mean by “foundation” that there is something, ome sort of necessary condition, which must be in place for happiness to exist?

].  Years of saying goodbye to her, the center from which I rippled into my own center, tempered my happiness.  It was strengthened even as it was buried under spilled food and urine soaked sheets.  Caring for her, as she cared for her mother, [reinforced my place as a part of an ever widening circle

Is that “circle” something others can also experience or is it rather your own very unique way of understanding your place in the world? Can you see a bit more about what is behind your seeing yourself as part of that circle?

.]  Now, a year later [my happiness is reemerging

So, was it always there then?

.]

              Hearing my daughter’s family laugh and giggle over breakfast across the street while I watered in the front yard [brought that feeling of happiness back

So, happiness is a “feeling” then? A sort of emotion? Can a particular experience ring “happiness”? How would you distinguish experiences that bring joy, even extreme joy, and happiness?

] to the surface after my mother was gone.  Now that the giggling over breakfast happens thousands of miles away and the family across the street isn’t mine, I am sad, but not less happy.  Seeing my younger daughter bake using her grandmother’s recipes reinforces [that feeling of happiness that comes from connection

1)     So, can we experience different forms of happiness at a particular moment of our life?

2)     How is the “happiness” that “comes from connection” different from other forms of happiness?

.]  Hearing my son and the young men and women he has known since childhood deep in philosophical debates as the night stretches toward dawn brings that feeling.  Standing with my husband in our yard contemplating the spreading ripples of our life together is that feeling of calm satisfaction that is happiness.  [During these passive acts of observing, my happiness is most evident

So, would you say happiness is more contemplation than action?

.]

              [Knowing the source of my happiness does not give me a road map to future happiness

Do you follow, at least, those “sources” as a reference? If not, which sort of “guides” do you follow?

].  It isn’t that simple, there is no magic A to B correspondence.  [Quitting my job so I can horseback ride and kayak will not increase my happiness

Why not?

.]  [I need to stay involved and connected to those who are important to me, and in addition welcome and connect to those who are important to them.  I have to embrace small moments as well as huge events.  I have to be ready to forgive and ask forgiveness.  I have to listen and share.  It is time invested in relationships that has repaid me with happiness

. ]

**1)OK, but why is all this important? What exactly does it bring to you and why you think so?

**2)Is the search for happiness different from the search for joy?

 I am happy.

8.5/10

procrastinating

Well, I checked Facebook at least three times since I woke up at 5:00.  I've also checked gmail, csun mail, and browsed on craigslist.  Oh, and moodle (csun site), my work email (even though it's a furlough day), and I browsed the adoptable pets on the animal control page.  I did the dishes, washed a load of laundry, and colored my hair.  Now it's almost 8:30.

I guess there's no more putting it off, I need to write my next critical report for Professor Franco.  I love to write, but the assignment is uninspiring.  Basically it's a summary of our last two class meetings with my critical response.  Maybe it will be better since he actually gave us directions this time and I have his previous comments.

I'm still waiting to see his comments on my Happiness paper.

Happiness - final

Happiness - Extra Credit


    When considering happiness it is important not to be distracted by it’s flashy cousin pleasure.  Pleasure is intense, but fleeting.  It’s dependent on exterior stimuli.  I feel pleasure when horseback riding, kayaking, and dancing.  That light giddy feeling lasts only slightly longer than the activity.

    Happiness is a calm satisfaction, a foundation that withstands the chaos of mundane life.  It can’t be created by a single pleasurable act.  Happiness can only be created over time from stuff more substantial than novel activities.  A sad person doesn’t become a happy person after one lighthearted afternoon.  Fortunately, happiness can’t be destroyed easily either.  Day to day disappointments and setbacks are just dust to be swept from the foundation of happiness.  The rubble of painful events may take more time to clear away so that happiness can be exposed again.  It is only an extraordinary event or incessant hammering that can crack the foundation that is true happiness.

        I have happiness.  It comes from my family and just as my family wasn’t created as a whole in one Genesis moment, I did not reach this state because of a single event.  My happiness comes from being at the center of a spreading ripple of family.  My happiness comes from knowing my center is a ripple of my parents’ center and their’s is a ripple of my grandparents’ center.  I reach back in time and forward to a future that is unknown and open, yet not empty or frightening.

    My happiness comes from being a woman in a series of women.

    The long and painful end of my mother’s life was an incessant hammering at the heart of the my foundation of happiness.  Years of saying goodbye to her, the center from which I rippled into my own center, tempered my happiness.  It was strengthened even as it was buried under spilled food and urine soaked sheets.  Caring for her, as she cared for her mother, reinforced my place as a part of an ever widening circle.  Now, a year later my happiness is reemerging.

    Hearing my daughter’s family laugh and giggle over breakfast across the street while I watered in the front yard brought that feeling of happiness back to the surface after my mother was gone.  Now that the giggling over breakfast happens thousands of miles away and the family across the street isn’t mine, I am sad, but not less happy.  Seeing my younger daughter bake using her grandmother’s recipes reinforces that feeling of happiness that comes from connection.  Hearing my son and the young men and women he has known since childhood deep in philosophical debates as the night stretches toward dawn brings that feeling.  Standing with my husband in our yard contemplating the spreading ripples of our life together is that feeling of calm satisfaction that is happiness.  During these passive acts of observing, my happiness is most evident.

    Knowing the source of my happiness does not give me a road map to future happiness.  It isn’t that simple, there is no magic A to B correspondence.  Quitting my job so I can horseback ride and kayak will not increase my happiness.  I need to stay involved and connected to those who are important to me, and in addition welcome and connect to those who are important to them.  I have to embrace small moments as well as huge events.  I have to be ready to forgive and ask forgiveness.  I have to listen and share.  It is time invested in relationships that has repaid me with happiness.  I am happy.

happiness as extra credit

So the extra credit assignment is to write 2 pages on what makes me happy and what should I do about it.

Now I have to figure out what it is to be happy.  Is happy an active or passive state?  I'm happy when I'm horseback riding.  I'm happy when I'm dancing.  I'm happy when I'm kayaking.  This active happiness isn't what I consider "true happiness" though.  It's too fleeting.  It's an action, not a state of being.

I'm happy when I can see/hear evidence of my family spreading and connecting to the world and each other.  I think I equate happiness with satisfaction.  A calmness that underlies all the chaos that erupts in day to day life.  My idea of happiness is pretty passive because it has to be underneath the activity like a foundation.

Hearing my family across the street giggle and talk over breakfast while I watered in the front yard was that feeling.  Hearing Alex and his friends talk all night is that feeling.  Seeing Caitlin bake is that feeling.  Falling asleep in the living room while Gayle talks about her upcoming travels and driving in the car with Gary are that feeling.  All pretty passive acts.  But that feeling, is it happiness?  Is it evidence of happiness, but not the actual thing.  Now that the family across the street isn't mine and the giggling over breakfast is many states away there is a sadness, but it does not replace the happiness.  It's just another feeling resting atop the foundation of peaceful happiness.

What to do about it...

That goes back to that active vs passive thing.  What I need to do about it is stay connected.  More on that later.

crisis vs the mundane

I have always thought it was easier to deal with a crisis than to succeed with the mundane.  I have had crises in my life and they have been painful and horrible as defined by the word crisis, but they have had obvious "solutions" or at least desired ends which suggest an obvious direction.  A crisis typically has a beginning and an end.  The mundane just is...and is...and is.  It is hard to be successful at the mundane because success is only slightly better than nothing and nothing is only slightly better than failure when you are dealing with the mundane.

I've always been irritated by people referring to mundane acts as heroic, but perhaps I should rethink that.  (I won't though).  Some people call the parent who cares for their child and makes the typical, expected sacrifices for their child a hero.  The dad who goes to work every day, the mom who gives up manicures for little league fees...are they truly "heroes"?  They are succeeding at the mundane, but is that heroic?

What about the guy who pulls the child from a burning building, risking his own life?  Is he a hero?  He succeeded in a crisis.  What if he is a deadbeat dad that used to beat his wife?  He succeeded in a crisis, but not the mundane.  A crisis is easier.  It doesn't take stamina.  Or does it?

Does a crisis have to have a staccato beat?  Was the cold war a crisis?  It certainly lasted a long time.  Is cancer a crisis?  It can be sudden and brief, but also can be monotonous.  Death is certainly a crisis for the subject and yet it too can be long and tedious.  Of course I don't know how tedious it is for the subject, but from the outside...pain, exhaustion, and tedium.

Epic...depth or breadth?  Sprint or marathon?  Hero or regular Jo (or Joe)?

When I Think of Mom

That title reminds me of a song from "The King and I" that is totally unrelated.

I think of mom the most when I take a shower. This might seem strange, but I showered her for a long time. At first it was just as a supervisor, but the last year or so I did most or all of the work. Then I massaged on body lotion and dressed her. It was such a physical ritual that it is etched in my brain and comes to me every time I wash my own body.

I think about her skin. So damaged by the sun, her arms and hands were like tissue paper. Her torso though had smooth lovely skin. I felt like it was so unfair that the world only saw the spotted dry wrinkly parts. Her hands and feet were so gnarled with arthritis, but she had a lovely waist and hips.

So much of what I did with her the last few years was physical care taking. I'm so glad I was able to be there for her and to take care of her, but I wish other memories came as easily.

I guess my memories are like her body. It's easy to see the gnarled bruised damaged parts. The beautiful parts take work to remember.

IT frustration!

I got a letter from CSUN. First I was excited - an acceptance letter?! Then I was nervous - so thin, did they really reject me?

Neither, it was a letter telling me that all future communications would be online. They gave me a user name and instead of giving me a password they said, "Please use existing password"

Hmm, I have that written down somewhere. It's been eons since I used the CSUN email. So I find my password and log-in to their "portal". So far so good, but the password doesn't work for the email. And it's Saturday. The automatic IT service can't help me. I have to call on Monday. So I call, the guy I talk to gives me obvious instructions - things I had already tried, but I said thank you and hung up. When it didn't work I called back.

The girl I talked to at least asked for my I.D. number and treated me like an individual. Unfortunately something didn't look right on her end so she put me on hold. When she finally got back to me she said the person she needed was busy and could I call back in 15 minutes.

Well, my 15 minutes are up. I'm going to call back and try TRY not to be frustrated or grumpy. Who knows, maybe there is some important email waiting for me. Maybe there is time sensitive stuff needing my attention. OK, probably there is just a "thank you for your application" note.

I had an epiphany the last time I was at LACMA. Pretty crazy considering I have a bachelors degree in art. But here goes:

You have to know how to read and the language a book is written in for it to have any meaning for you. It isn't cheating to learn the language or to have the book translated.

the rough draft of the rough draft - aka outline?

a one-page statement of purpose describing and explaining the applicant’s interest in the CSUN M.A. in Humanities program and how enrollment in the program will contribute to the applicant’s personal and/or professional growth and success.

and that is the prompt

The courses being offered excite me, not a giddy excitement. Excite - wake up - prime my intellectual pump. They address ideas that are at the center of my being.

What is sacred?
What defines me?
What is my place (where am I - where am I going - who has gone there before?)
How are we connected?

That's the personal growth.

I don't know what professional growth will be addressed. Having more depth of knowledge never hurts when teaching. I'm not looking for another job and the $500 stipend for having a masters degree is meaningless when you divide it between paychecks and subtract taxes.

Argh. I've got work to do. I'll roll it around a little more - like a dung beetle? - like Sisyphus?

indecision?

I can't even decide if it's indecision - I guess that clinches it.

Life seems to finally be settled. I'm no longer caring for my mom and the chaos of caring for and then losing her has subsided. Don't get me wrong, there is still a room and file cabinet full of stuff to deal with. She lived with us for four years and it was exhausting mentally and emotionally for all of us. Have I really recovered?

I am finishing my first year in 4th grade and am reasonably sure I'll be in the same grade, school, and classroom next year. I cross my fingers that I don't get a split 3/4 class.

Why do I want to stir the pot by going back to school in the fall? Maybe I should take the next year to breathe and smooth down those loose ends I've been trying to get under control.

There are several arguments against going back to school in the fall, if there weren't I'd be writing my personal statement instead of blogging. First, the program I'm interested in is a cohort program. If I start, I'm committing (committing - mm - tt - you have to commit to double letters) to two years of classes - no summer off. Next, (transition word to help my readers) this fall will only be the second start for the program. They are only half-way through the first cohort. Some of the classes haven't even been taught for the first time. The faculty member that spoke at our information meeting hasn't taught her class yet. How can the success of the program be judged at this point? Finally, (transition again - and it gives the reader light at the end of the ramble) am I really sure this is the area of study I want? Oh - sorry reader - and am I really sure I want/need to go back to school? Oh hell! So, so sorry reader - there is always the money, too.

There are many pros for going back. Of course I want to go back to school. I love school. I want a graduate degree of my very own to have and to hold. When I look at the courses being offered in this program I get excited. I'm not getting any younger. My educational clock is ticking. I can go back now - mom's gone, I have my new grade level under control, my kids are grown...

I think I'm leaning towards waiting. I need to apply soon if I'm going to. I don't have to decide - I could apply and if accepted not go. Or go. I wonder if they would defer my enrollment. I think I'll ask.

I keep thinking about the fact that the program is so new. In some ways it seems exciting, a pioneer (okay, that's hyperbole). I'm a little skeptical though. They mentioned a few changes they were making as the first cohort moved through the process. Nothing huge, but still it concerns me.

Phone message

It's been 4 1/2 months. I guess it's time (ok past time) to change the phone message. Sometimes I feel like I'm erasing mom's existence. I want to shout like a Seussian Who, "She was here! She was here!"

Sorting and Categorizing

Mom's room taunts me.

I'm working on a new strategy. The things that I know I'm keeping like photographs are just going in boxes and being stacked to the side. Whenever I look at them I get sucked in and don't get anywhere. I came across a family tree and history written by my paternal great-grandmother in 1920. That sucked me in and then got me working on a family tree website. Cool stuff, but it doesn't get her room cleared out.

There is a growing pile of yard sale items. Things I don't want, but somebody might. It's more than I'm willing to just give to Goodwill. It won't be yard sale weather for several months. I'll have time to put together plenty for that. Appliance Graveyard look out!

Then there are the things I'll try to unload on Ebay. This includes the porcelain eagle collection from the Crystal Cathedral. Mom loved them and I can't stand them. Their box is taking up a lot of space.

Yesterday I got out all the Christmas boxes that were temporarily in there. I also culled her and our Christmas ornaments. That helped.

Someday it will be done.