I dread Saturday. I'm afraid of it. That isn't even slightly rational. Saturday will be a year from when mom died. My culture doesn't have a ritual for that. It would be easier if we did. It seems right to acknowledge and mark the day and yet it feels self-indulgent. I've been fighting back tears for a week.
Saturday is the next meeting of my philosophy class. I should meet with my professor after class to discuss the big, bad paper that is due the following week. I know if I meet with him I'll end up crying. I hate that, but how can I talk about writing and philosophy on the anniversary of mom's death without getting all emotional.
I want to take a few days off from work and school to wallow. I want to rub ashes on my face and wail. But mine is a culture of stoicism. So I will go to work and on Saturday I'll put on my public face, go to class, and try not to cry.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Happiness - 85%
So, I'm very frustrated. And ok angry too. I'll read my comments again, but I feel like he didn't read my paper through before he started making comments. I think some of his comments are to get me to think more than just demerits, but...but...
Claire F. Rich
Humanities 501
Happiness - Extra Credit
When considering happiness it is important not to be distracted by it’s flashy cousin pleasure. Pleasure is intense, but fleeting. It’s dependent on exterior stimuli. I feel pleasure when horseback riding, kayaking, and dancing. That light giddy feeling
Are pleasure and joy different?
lasts only slightly longer than the activity.
Happiness is a calm satisfaction, a [foundation
“Foundation” of what? In which sense?
] that withstands the chaos of mundane life. It can’t be created by a single pleasurable act. Happiness can only be created over time from stuff [more substantial
“More substantial” in which sense?
] than novel activities. [A sad person doesn’t become a happy person after one lighthearted afternoon
1) Is sadness the opposite of happiness? What about joy instead?
2) Is a “happy person” a person that has attained happiness?
.] Fortunately, happiness can’t be destroyed easily either. Day to day disappointments and setbacks are just dust to be swept from the foundation of happiness. The rubble of painful events may take more time to clear away so that happiness can be exposed again. It is only an extraordinary event or incessant hammering that can crack the foundation that is true happiness
**So, what is happiness? What defines it? Which sort of “calm satisfaction” is it? Is it the calm satisfaction of the mathematician after solving a problem?
.
I have happiness. [It comes from my family and just as my family wasn’t created as a whole in one Genesis moment, I did not reach this state because of a single event. My happiness comes from being at the center of a spreading ripple of family. My happiness comes from knowing my center is a ripple of my parents’ center and their’s is a ripple of my grandparents’ center. I reach back in time and forward to a future that is unknown and open, yet not empty or frightening
**1) In which sense are all these “sources” of your happiness? Show the relation between what they represent for you and your definition/view of happiness.
**2) Does this mean that happiness “comes from” the exterior? Is it then a question of being “lucky” regarding the conditios in which we live?
.]
My happiness comes from being a woman in a series of women.
The long and painful end of my mother’s life was an incessant hammering at the heart of the [my foundation of happiness
Do you mean by “foundation” that there is something, ome sort of necessary condition, which must be in place for happiness to exist?
]. Years of saying goodbye to her, the center from which I rippled into my own center, tempered my happiness. It was strengthened even as it was buried under spilled food and urine soaked sheets. Caring for her, as she cared for her mother, [reinforced my place as a part of an ever widening circle
Is that “circle” something others can also experience or is it rather your own very unique way of understanding your place in the world? Can you see a bit more about what is behind your seeing yourself as part of that circle?
.] Now, a year later [my happiness is reemerging
So, was it always there then?
.]
Hearing my daughter’s family laugh and giggle over breakfast across the street while I watered in the front yard [brought that feeling of happiness back
So, happiness is a “feeling” then? A sort of emotion? Can a particular experience ring “happiness”? How would you distinguish experiences that bring joy, even extreme joy, and happiness?
] to the surface after my mother was gone. Now that the giggling over breakfast happens thousands of miles away and the family across the street isn’t mine, I am sad, but not less happy. Seeing my younger daughter bake using her grandmother’s recipes reinforces [that feeling of happiness that comes from connection
1) So, can we experience different forms of happiness at a particular moment of our life?
2) How is the “happiness” that “comes from connection” different from other forms of happiness?
.] Hearing my son and the young men and women he has known since childhood deep in philosophical debates as the night stretches toward dawn brings that feeling. Standing with my husband in our yard contemplating the spreading ripples of our life together is that feeling of calm satisfaction that is happiness. [During these passive acts of observing, my happiness is most evident
So, would you say happiness is more contemplation than action?
.]
[Knowing the source of my happiness does not give me a road map to future happiness
Do you follow, at least, those “sources” as a reference? If not, which sort of “guides” do you follow?
]. It isn’t that simple, there is no magic A to B correspondence. [Quitting my job so I can horseback ride and kayak will not increase my happiness
Why not?
.] [I need to stay involved and connected to those who are important to me, and in addition welcome and connect to those who are important to them. I have to embrace small moments as well as huge events. I have to be ready to forgive and ask forgiveness. I have to listen and share. It is time invested in relationships that has repaid me with happiness
. ]
**1)OK, but why is all this important? What exactly does it bring to you and why you think so?
**2)Is the search for happiness different from the search for joy?
I am happy.
8.5/10
Friday, September 17, 2010
procrastinating
Well, I checked Facebook at least three times since I woke up at 5:00. I've also checked gmail, csun mail, and browsed on craigslist. Oh, and moodle (csun site), my work email (even though it's a furlough day), and I browsed the adoptable pets on the animal control page. I did the dishes, washed a load of laundry, and colored my hair. Now it's almost 8:30.
I guess there's no more putting it off, I need to write my next critical report for Professor Franco. I love to write, but the assignment is uninspiring. Basically it's a summary of our last two class meetings with my critical response. Maybe it will be better since he actually gave us directions this time and I have his previous comments.
I'm still waiting to see his comments on my Happiness paper.
I guess there's no more putting it off, I need to write my next critical report for Professor Franco. I love to write, but the assignment is uninspiring. Basically it's a summary of our last two class meetings with my critical response. Maybe it will be better since he actually gave us directions this time and I have his previous comments.
I'm still waiting to see his comments on my Happiness paper.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Happiness - final
Happiness - Extra Credit
When considering happiness it is important not to be distracted by it’s flashy cousin pleasure. Pleasure is intense, but fleeting. It’s dependent on exterior stimuli. I feel pleasure when horseback riding, kayaking, and dancing. That light giddy feeling lasts only slightly longer than the activity.
Happiness is a calm satisfaction, a foundation that withstands the chaos of mundane life. It can’t be created by a single pleasurable act. Happiness can only be created over time from stuff more substantial than novel activities. A sad person doesn’t become a happy person after one lighthearted afternoon. Fortunately, happiness can’t be destroyed easily either. Day to day disappointments and setbacks are just dust to be swept from the foundation of happiness. The rubble of painful events may take more time to clear away so that happiness can be exposed again. It is only an extraordinary event or incessant hammering that can crack the foundation that is true happiness.
I have happiness. It comes from my family and just as my family wasn’t created as a whole in one Genesis moment, I did not reach this state because of a single event. My happiness comes from being at the center of a spreading ripple of family. My happiness comes from knowing my center is a ripple of my parents’ center and their’s is a ripple of my grandparents’ center. I reach back in time and forward to a future that is unknown and open, yet not empty or frightening.
My happiness comes from being a woman in a series of women.
The long and painful end of my mother’s life was an incessant hammering at the heart of the my foundation of happiness. Years of saying goodbye to her, the center from which I rippled into my own center, tempered my happiness. It was strengthened even as it was buried under spilled food and urine soaked sheets. Caring for her, as she cared for her mother, reinforced my place as a part of an ever widening circle. Now, a year later my happiness is reemerging.
Hearing my daughter’s family laugh and giggle over breakfast across the street while I watered in the front yard brought that feeling of happiness back to the surface after my mother was gone. Now that the giggling over breakfast happens thousands of miles away and the family across the street isn’t mine, I am sad, but not less happy. Seeing my younger daughter bake using her grandmother’s recipes reinforces that feeling of happiness that comes from connection. Hearing my son and the young men and women he has known since childhood deep in philosophical debates as the night stretches toward dawn brings that feeling. Standing with my husband in our yard contemplating the spreading ripples of our life together is that feeling of calm satisfaction that is happiness. During these passive acts of observing, my happiness is most evident.
Knowing the source of my happiness does not give me a road map to future happiness. It isn’t that simple, there is no magic A to B correspondence. Quitting my job so I can horseback ride and kayak will not increase my happiness. I need to stay involved and connected to those who are important to me, and in addition welcome and connect to those who are important to them. I have to embrace small moments as well as huge events. I have to be ready to forgive and ask forgiveness. I have to listen and share. It is time invested in relationships that has repaid me with happiness. I am happy.
When considering happiness it is important not to be distracted by it’s flashy cousin pleasure. Pleasure is intense, but fleeting. It’s dependent on exterior stimuli. I feel pleasure when horseback riding, kayaking, and dancing. That light giddy feeling lasts only slightly longer than the activity.
Happiness is a calm satisfaction, a foundation that withstands the chaos of mundane life. It can’t be created by a single pleasurable act. Happiness can only be created over time from stuff more substantial than novel activities. A sad person doesn’t become a happy person after one lighthearted afternoon. Fortunately, happiness can’t be destroyed easily either. Day to day disappointments and setbacks are just dust to be swept from the foundation of happiness. The rubble of painful events may take more time to clear away so that happiness can be exposed again. It is only an extraordinary event or incessant hammering that can crack the foundation that is true happiness.
I have happiness. It comes from my family and just as my family wasn’t created as a whole in one Genesis moment, I did not reach this state because of a single event. My happiness comes from being at the center of a spreading ripple of family. My happiness comes from knowing my center is a ripple of my parents’ center and their’s is a ripple of my grandparents’ center. I reach back in time and forward to a future that is unknown and open, yet not empty or frightening.
My happiness comes from being a woman in a series of women.
The long and painful end of my mother’s life was an incessant hammering at the heart of the my foundation of happiness. Years of saying goodbye to her, the center from which I rippled into my own center, tempered my happiness. It was strengthened even as it was buried under spilled food and urine soaked sheets. Caring for her, as she cared for her mother, reinforced my place as a part of an ever widening circle. Now, a year later my happiness is reemerging.
Hearing my daughter’s family laugh and giggle over breakfast across the street while I watered in the front yard brought that feeling of happiness back to the surface after my mother was gone. Now that the giggling over breakfast happens thousands of miles away and the family across the street isn’t mine, I am sad, but not less happy. Seeing my younger daughter bake using her grandmother’s recipes reinforces that feeling of happiness that comes from connection. Hearing my son and the young men and women he has known since childhood deep in philosophical debates as the night stretches toward dawn brings that feeling. Standing with my husband in our yard contemplating the spreading ripples of our life together is that feeling of calm satisfaction that is happiness. During these passive acts of observing, my happiness is most evident.
Knowing the source of my happiness does not give me a road map to future happiness. It isn’t that simple, there is no magic A to B correspondence. Quitting my job so I can horseback ride and kayak will not increase my happiness. I need to stay involved and connected to those who are important to me, and in addition welcome and connect to those who are important to them. I have to embrace small moments as well as huge events. I have to be ready to forgive and ask forgiveness. I have to listen and share. It is time invested in relationships that has repaid me with happiness. I am happy.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
happiness as extra credit
So the extra credit assignment is to write 2 pages on what makes me happy and what should I do about it.
Now I have to figure out what it is to be happy. Is happy an active or passive state? I'm happy when I'm horseback riding. I'm happy when I'm dancing. I'm happy when I'm kayaking. This active happiness isn't what I consider "true happiness" though. It's too fleeting. It's an action, not a state of being.
I'm happy when I can see/hear evidence of my family spreading and connecting to the world and each other. I think I equate happiness with satisfaction. A calmness that underlies all the chaos that erupts in day to day life. My idea of happiness is pretty passive because it has to be underneath the activity like a foundation.
Hearing my family across the street giggle and talk over breakfast while I watered in the front yard was that feeling. Hearing Alex and his friends talk all night is that feeling. Seeing Caitlin bake is that feeling. Falling asleep in the living room while Gayle talks about her upcoming travels and driving in the car with Gary are that feeling. All pretty passive acts. But that feeling, is it happiness? Is it evidence of happiness, but not the actual thing. Now that the family across the street isn't mine and the giggling over breakfast is many states away there is a sadness, but it does not replace the happiness. It's just another feeling resting atop the foundation of peaceful happiness.
What to do about it...
That goes back to that active vs passive thing. What I need to do about it is stay connected. More on that later.
Now I have to figure out what it is to be happy. Is happy an active or passive state? I'm happy when I'm horseback riding. I'm happy when I'm dancing. I'm happy when I'm kayaking. This active happiness isn't what I consider "true happiness" though. It's too fleeting. It's an action, not a state of being.
I'm happy when I can see/hear evidence of my family spreading and connecting to the world and each other. I think I equate happiness with satisfaction. A calmness that underlies all the chaos that erupts in day to day life. My idea of happiness is pretty passive because it has to be underneath the activity like a foundation.
Hearing my family across the street giggle and talk over breakfast while I watered in the front yard was that feeling. Hearing Alex and his friends talk all night is that feeling. Seeing Caitlin bake is that feeling. Falling asleep in the living room while Gayle talks about her upcoming travels and driving in the car with Gary are that feeling. All pretty passive acts. But that feeling, is it happiness? Is it evidence of happiness, but not the actual thing. Now that the family across the street isn't mine and the giggling over breakfast is many states away there is a sadness, but it does not replace the happiness. It's just another feeling resting atop the foundation of peaceful happiness.
What to do about it...
That goes back to that active vs passive thing. What I need to do about it is stay connected. More on that later.
Monday, August 23, 2010
crisis vs the mundane
I have always thought it was easier to deal with a crisis than to succeed with the mundane. I have had crises in my life and they have been painful and horrible as defined by the word crisis, but they have had obvious "solutions" or at least desired ends which suggest an obvious direction. A crisis typically has a beginning and an end. The mundane just is...and is...and is. It is hard to be successful at the mundane because success is only slightly better than nothing and nothing is only slightly better than failure when you are dealing with the mundane.
I've always been irritated by people referring to mundane acts as heroic, but perhaps I should rethink that. (I won't though). Some people call the parent who cares for their child and makes the typical, expected sacrifices for their child a hero. The dad who goes to work every day, the mom who gives up manicures for little league fees...are they truly "heroes"? They are succeeding at the mundane, but is that heroic?
What about the guy who pulls the child from a burning building, risking his own life? Is he a hero? He succeeded in a crisis. What if he is a deadbeat dad that used to beat his wife? He succeeded in a crisis, but not the mundane. A crisis is easier. It doesn't take stamina. Or does it?
Does a crisis have to have a staccato beat? Was the cold war a crisis? It certainly lasted a long time. Is cancer a crisis? It can be sudden and brief, but also can be monotonous. Death is certainly a crisis for the subject and yet it too can be long and tedious. Of course I don't know how tedious it is for the subject, but from the outside...pain, exhaustion, and tedium.
Epic...depth or breadth? Sprint or marathon? Hero or regular Jo (or Joe)?
I've always been irritated by people referring to mundane acts as heroic, but perhaps I should rethink that. (I won't though). Some people call the parent who cares for their child and makes the typical, expected sacrifices for their child a hero. The dad who goes to work every day, the mom who gives up manicures for little league fees...are they truly "heroes"? They are succeeding at the mundane, but is that heroic?
What about the guy who pulls the child from a burning building, risking his own life? Is he a hero? He succeeded in a crisis. What if he is a deadbeat dad that used to beat his wife? He succeeded in a crisis, but not the mundane. A crisis is easier. It doesn't take stamina. Or does it?
Does a crisis have to have a staccato beat? Was the cold war a crisis? It certainly lasted a long time. Is cancer a crisis? It can be sudden and brief, but also can be monotonous. Death is certainly a crisis for the subject and yet it too can be long and tedious. Of course I don't know how tedious it is for the subject, but from the outside...pain, exhaustion, and tedium.
Epic...depth or breadth? Sprint or marathon? Hero or regular Jo (or Joe)?
Friday, July 2, 2010
When I Think of Mom
That title reminds me of a song from "The King and I" that is totally unrelated.
I think of mom the most when I take a shower. This might seem strange, but I showered her for a long time. At first it was just as a supervisor, but the last year or so I did most or all of the work. Then I massaged on body lotion and dressed her. It was such a physical ritual that it is etched in my brain and comes to me every time I wash my own body.
I think about her skin. So damaged by the sun, her arms and hands were like tissue paper. Her torso though had smooth lovely skin. I felt like it was so unfair that the world only saw the spotted dry wrinkly parts. Her hands and feet were so gnarled with arthritis, but she had a lovely waist and hips.
So much of what I did with her the last few years was physical care taking. I'm so glad I was able to be there for her and to take care of her, but I wish other memories came as easily.
I guess my memories are like her body. It's easy to see the gnarled bruised damaged parts. The beautiful parts take work to remember.
I think of mom the most when I take a shower. This might seem strange, but I showered her for a long time. At first it was just as a supervisor, but the last year or so I did most or all of the work. Then I massaged on body lotion and dressed her. It was such a physical ritual that it is etched in my brain and comes to me every time I wash my own body.
I think about her skin. So damaged by the sun, her arms and hands were like tissue paper. Her torso though had smooth lovely skin. I felt like it was so unfair that the world only saw the spotted dry wrinkly parts. Her hands and feet were so gnarled with arthritis, but she had a lovely waist and hips.
So much of what I did with her the last few years was physical care taking. I'm so glad I was able to be there for her and to take care of her, but I wish other memories came as easily.
I guess my memories are like her body. It's easy to see the gnarled bruised damaged parts. The beautiful parts take work to remember.
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